Cambridge South Hockey Club | Outpatients XI Hobbled at Spalding

Sat, 23 Mar 2019

Cambridge South Mens 3	1 6	Spalding 2
Jonny Camp

14:00

Spalding HC Astro

Outpatients XI Hobbled at Spalding

Nev Warren

The match was a good game, with Joe proving to be a much better goalie than our actual keeper, George! South took the lead when Johnny smashed home a rebound from Mr Toynton through a quick counterattack from Sev at the back. Joe saved a flick and was outstanding, conceding only two of the remaining four attacks that were four-on-one against him. A somewhat shocking and very disappointing voting cabal left Nev to snatch the Lemon from George. Current state of the squad is as follows:

Joe Whittaker	GK	Ankle injury - before game. Massive MOM superstar. Saved about twenty shots (and a penalty flick) and only let in six. Spalding were indeed guilty of rushing some good chances and flashing some very speculative efforts wide. Joe has to be praised for not giving up and doing amazingly with an injured ankle to boot. When you have a non-goalkeeper in goal, teams are usually altruistic in limiting chances. I think some of the chances that Joe faced, even Moses couldn't have parted South's defence any further.
Sev Warren	Defence	Dislocated knee - before game. Played through the pain barrier. Was complimented as being the only player with two working legs left, despite only having one. Reportedly injured toes and groin as well!
Neil Sneade	Defence	Stress fractured toes - during game. Provided very little "Sneading it up" after South took the lead. Proceeded to be the stalwart at the back until a chunky centre forward melted one at his foot from close range. Neil is the toughest guy on the M3s and nobody would like to meet him down a dark alley near the Maypole if he is on the sauce. Just got on with it and carried on playing.
Adam Catley	Defence	Broken toe - during game. Played in the terrible socks of a terrible club. A hit which was penalised with a flick in his own interpretation of "Bambi on Ice" injured Adam's foot beyond repair. Then, actually played well up front in spite of being unable to turn and run.
Matt Kern	Def/Midfield	Cramp - during game. Decided the best way to relieve himself of further cramping up was to sit out alone on the left.
Ollie Kenzie	Defence	Incredible dizziness - during game. Used every opportunity to impress upon the spectators his ability to pirouette with a hockey ball when close to contact.
Jonny Camp	Midfield	Fingers in shreds - during game. The backs of Jonny’s hands after the game looked like he had had a bad argument with a cheese grater. Timely reminder to chaps in next week's fixture: "Don't fall over!"
Seb Dias	Midfield	Incredible dizziness & muscle bruising - during game. Not only did Seb show his ability to pirouette with a hockey ball when close to contact, he also was the recipient of many wayward "friendly" stick tackles. The shock-absorption of his arms and legs would have meant considerable bruising after match proceedings.
Nev Warren	Forward	Pride - after game. After a near-perfect display of how to not re-injure yourself, Nev delayed a penalty flick with Joe to hand out expert advice and add pressure to the flick taker (flick was saved). Trapping a three foot high crossfield pass to assist George in the run-up to South's goal was not to gain plaudits in the post-match refreshments. He would only gain a Lemon again.
George Toynton	Forward	NO INJURIES. As the experienced goalkeeper in the team, one may possibly have thought that his input in keeping kit selection and other goalkeeper-related facets would have been invaluable to Joe. This was not the case and he allowed himself to sink to low levels in the Lemon voting. "I'm not upset George, just disappointed!" - Nev Warren
Josh Oldfield	Forward	Incredible dizziness - during game. Used every opportunity to impress upon the spectators his ability to pirouette with a hockey ball when close to contact.