The new season got underway with an away trip to Kings Lynn to face the Pelicans 3rd XI, newly
promoted into our league. South 3s finished mid-table last season, so the objective was simple:
start well, get some points on the board and, ideally, avoid the traditional 3s approach of
spending the first 15 minutes wondering whether the game had actually started.
New captain Matt’s brief: Start strong. And start strong we did. The 3s came flying out of the
blocks. The ball moved smoothly around the back, gaps appeared through midfield and the
forward line was getting plenty of joy. It was fast. It was positive. It was organised. It was almost
suspicious.
Shin was a last-minute addition up front, following an apparent change of an arrangement with a
lady. He claimed he had prioritised the team. We remain unconvinced. He did, however, hitch a lift
with us making us five-up, squashing those in the back, and forcing an obligatory McDonald’s
apple pie stop. He then spent much of the journey complaining about a dead leg. However, his
contribution, along with the rest of the forward line, helped mount the early pressure and before
long the 3’s took the lead.
Kings Lynn eventually found an equaliser from a very scrappy short corner. There were a lot of
opposition short corners in the game, somewhere around 15. Ricardo and Doug did a brilliant job
repeatedly getting in the way of them, while Dan, stepping into goal for the afternoon, made
several important saves to keep the Pelicans from getting any further reward.
There were also **three Joshes** on the pitch, which was never going to end well. OG Josh - Me,
Josh Rollason aka Hopper and Josh Spellmoore — who had recently announced his apparently
random work nickname as “Blade" and was particularly keen to live up to it. The long mullet was
already doing most of the talking. Flowing magnificently in the Kings Lynn breeze, it looked less
like a haircut and more like an independent member of the squad. Blade actually played pretty
well too. But frankly, the wolf cut was carrying the performance. He did eventually attract the
umpire’s attention after a few enthusiastic challenges. Ricardo decided enough was enough and
told him to get off the pitch. Blade started walking off. Halfway there, the umpire called him back.
“You don't have a green card. It was just a warning.” So he returned to the pitch, having somehow
been sent off and reinstated in under 15 seconds. Mr Mullet did, however, eventually get his green
card later in the game.
As a wingback, I spent most of the game distributing, and I’ll be honest, I’m not entirely sure of
the details of how the next goals happened. We continued to press and added two more before
half-time.
At half-time: Kings Lynn 1 – South 3.
A superb first half. Exactly what Matt had asked for. Which meant, naturally, that we were about to
make things difficult. The second half was much sloppier. The passing lost its crispness, the
pressure dropped and Kings Lynn started finding space. Jamie also contributed to the general
decline in standards by simply falling over. There was no ball nearby. No challenge. No obvious
obstacle. Just Jamie, standing in an open space, and then suddenly Jamie lying on the floor.
Kings Lynn then floated a low aerial ball over the top of him from the 16, almost to tease him. Very
strange.
Kings Lynn then scored twice. 3–3.
Seb also picked up a green card somewhere along the way, but nobody can quite remember why.
At this point, frustration was beginning to creep in. Particularly for me. The umpires had been
strict throughout, and at 3–3 I discovered just how strict.
A young Kings Lynn player repeatedly appealed for a back stick on the edge of our D. Eventually,
a 16-yard hit was awarded to us. As I ran back into position, I muttered: “Green card for
appealing, surely.” I was hoping the umpire would hear it. He did. “Yes.” Pause. “for you.” Green
card. Into the sin bin I went. A magnificent piece of umpiring. Teammates consoled me, but had I
really underestimated the reach of Lemon?
With the 3s down to 10 men, somehow the pace went up. The ball started moving again. The 3s
produced a lovely counter-attack and found another goal.
4–3.
The final minutes were nervy, but the 3s held firm and saw the game out. Three points to start the
season.
The Man of the Match votes were spread around, with Dan recognised for his goalkeeping
performance and Ricardo for a strong game in midfield. But the winner was: Josh Rollason
(Hopper). Two goals, a strong performance and a thoroughly deserved Man of the Match.
And then came Lemon. Despite many other Lemon-worthy incidents I was awarded LOM.
Outrageous. A disgrace. Quite frankly, I’d like to appeal. Although given what happened last time I
appealed, perhaps not.
So, four goals, three points, approximately 15 short corners, three Joshes, one magnificent mullet,
three green cards, one iconic apple pie and one deeply controversial Lemon. Not a bad way to
start the season.

(Edit: no one seems to actually know if Blade got a green or not, so we'll take Blades word for it. He did not...)