Please do not be offended by anything written in this match report, I attempt to be funny, but most of the time I seem just plain rude!

Firstly, I must set the scene: last week we were left slightly stunned and bemused by the City match. We had been a little lacklustre and, let's just face it, very much below our usual 8/10. The defeat was taken particularly hard by some. I for one had a difficult time swallowing defeat, mainly because I was sat sulking (okay, crying) in the garden only to have some tourists start taking pictures of me...

Match day arrived and I had been very nobly left in charge of Dr Captain George's band of merry women and with the task of defending our Fortress (clever and witty names for the Fortress will be taken). I was most pleased with myself and my ability to arrive at Long Road, unlock and lock the changing rooms, have 12 players, unlock the astro and be polite to the opposition. There was only one small hiccup, when I went to lock the doors only to realise there were two people still in there!

Now, on to the match. The first half started evenly with both sides battling for control. It took South about ten minutes to settle into the game and from then on we looked the more comfortable side. Liles, Julie, Emma and Diane controlled the back nicely while our front five looked menacing. The only complaint I have is we could have played slightly more as a unit, using little passes, not just hitting and hoping.

Despite our possession, and being camped out in the opposition's 25, we were only leading by one goal at half time. My inspirational team talk about blankets and tissues seemed to do the trick and the second half saw a flurry of goals.

I have had plenty of complaints regarding my less than accurate description of goals and so I am not even going to try and detail the eight. What I will say however is we scored three from short corners, one of which, to quote Tom Cosford, "The Men's 1s couldn't do."

It must be said that our front five all had exceptional games. Despite the frustration of Caroline and Sophie, who could not get their names on the score sheet, they all played very well and bounced off each other!

We headed off to the club house for some food and a chat, which was lovely, and with confidence restored once more. Our fortress and her defensive "bounce" strategy had defeated the opposition once more. There is no place like home!

Congratulations to Elaine for scoring a hat-trick, bettered only by Laura who scored four!!

Thank you to our fan club who turned up to watch. We really appreciate it! Next time I will supply the pom-poms!!!

Highlights of the match:

A personal highlight of the match was when an inspired Julie went on the attack and felt it honourable to say "Excuse me" as she passed both me and at least three of the opposition.

Jess got carded and tried to say she took one for the "pitch". Realistically however she just got caught having a bit of a moan. Discretion and whispering are perhaps not Jess's strongest attributes. This led her to be voted (by herself also) Lemon for this week.

Liles had a cameo five minutes up front and we did all we could to get her on the score board with Caroline feeding the ball to the far post for Liles to run on to. She must have been taking notes from Jess about how to be a forward as she decided not to run for that one (I jest, everyone)!

Lou G tried to unlock the changing room doors with my house keys...

Liles called me a princess for finding the soup a little warmer than a tikka masala (it was however delicious).