From the perspective of a defender:

The game was at 1.30 and using my excellent mathematics, I knew I had to set off either at 1.00 (if walking) or 12.40 (if driving). Opting for the latter to save my legs for the game, I set off at 1.00. With Katy Perry to keep me company, the time did seem to Roar by although my car's aircon did seem to go Hot N Cold all the time, most annoying seeing as I took it into the garage Last Friday Night. Note to self: I'll have to ride a Dark Horse next time.

My team annoyingly voted me Lemon, which was completely unjust seeing as one of my fellow defenders might as well have been wearing an adult nappy. It struck me: This Is How We Do it?

By the time I finally got on the pitch, my team mates had already conceded three goals and were on the verge of surrendering Unconditionally. Fortunately, I was Wide Awake and able to stem the tide and launch the odd Firework of my own.

From the perspective of a midfielder:

It was 11 o'clock when I realised that learning about Susan's Album Party (warning - explicit content) at Churchill College was not as fun as playing hockey. Excuses made, I managed to get to the pitch on time for pushback. However, with one of our defence on the edge of needing the toilet every two seconds and the other singing along to Katy Perry on full volume whilst stuck in traffic, three quick goals were conceded.

The midfield and attack did have a lot of time to network during the twenty or so short corners as Jan, Stu, Neil and Dave all took it in turns to take a ball to the foot. Paul was quick to utilise this time and tell everyone who would listen about: how to hold a stick, how to move their feet, how to hit the ball, the meaning of life, when he used to play in the Olympics etc. etc.... Inspired by the wealth of wisdom Paul had transfered to his fellow team mates, a couple of good moves were formed and a there were a few chances. Most notably my shot from inside the D, only to be deflected wide by Tim's face/body.

With the game done and the midfield having done most of the work (as usual) we looked forward to the bolognese that Alison had happily made (using her grandmother's recipe?) James in particular was looking forward to the cheese when he realised it was not just any cheese, but mature, fresh and organic cheese. Salivating profusely the midfield four lined up, James M eager to receive the cheesey goodness. Rumour has it that Bury St Edmunds (where he now lives) doesn't have any cheese. What a treat this would be for him! Wait...Jan's tipping the WHOLE BOWL of cheese on to his pasta... Nooooooooooo!

Let's hope he's lactose intolerant.

From the perspective of an attacker:

Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish. Does my team know nothing? I had to teach them all the basics. Luckily there was ample time during the short corners. Cornering my teammates and the umpires (get it? How witty I am...), I proceeded to tell them at great length about the skills they should be doing:

Forehand pass: To perform the forehand push-pass hold the stick in the shake-hands grip, pointing the left shoulder at the target. The ball should be positioned within the control box. Standing side on can gain more power by transferring body weight from the back leg to the front leg. The feet should be a little wider than shoulder width apart and body weight placed on the balls of the feet. For the push-pass there is no back swing, so hold the stick against the lower half of the back of the ball, and keep the face closed slightly.

When transferring body weight forward onto the front (left) foot use the head of the stick to push the ball. The left hand is mostly used to pull the stick forward, with the right hand producing the power and direction of the pass. The head should stay still whilst extending the arms.

To finish the pass the majority of body weight should be on the front foot, and the arms and stick should be extended in the direction of the pass.

Reverse pass: To perform the reverse push pass players need to hold the stick in the reverse grip, pointing the right shoulder at the target. The ball should be positioned within the control box. By standing side on more power can be gained by transferring body weight from the back leg to the front leg. The stance should be a little wider than shoulder width apart and body weight should be placed on the balls of the feet. For the push pass there is no back swing, so hold the stick against the lower half of the back of the ball, and keep the face closed slightly.

When transferring body weight forward onto the front (right) foot use the head of the stick to push the ball. The right hand is used to pull the stick forward, and produce the power and direction of the pass. The left hand just aids the pushing action. The player's head should stay still whilst they extend the arms.

To finish the pass the majority of body weight should be on the front foot, and the arms and stick should be extended in the direction of the pass.

On a side note also, what's with the lack of cheese at teas? Seriously...Alison provides pasta and bolognese but no cheese?! And why on earth did Jan look so smug? Did I miss something?

Joe pictured just after the game:-