I would like to start this match report by clarifying that we did in fact win this match 3-1 despite the way the rest of this follows:

We started this week with twelve, which went to eleven, which went back to twelve and then back down to eleven. Now many of you may argue… eleven, what a wonderful number. Legs eleven, symbolising pretty blonde girls with legs up to their armpits. Eleven, the number of people needed for a complete hockey team. Not quite in our case… We will get to that.

So we arrived in the beautiful and picturesque Haverhill early, as Dr Captain George likes us to do. The pre match conversation, riveting as always, was particularly spot on this week. In particular the emergence that we have a new team mascot. Please ask George for an explanation and pictures. Sickness had stricken the team but spirits were still high, even from SnotBag Liles, who no one wanted to sit next to, due to her lurgie.

The first half went very well with us demonstrating our calm, more patient side. We passed the ball around well, using Lucy and Liles by passing wide. Our insides of George and Lauren linked well together and we pressurised the Haverhill defence continually. The defence looked solid with Ellie and Diane controlling the back. Our first goal came from one of our more practiced short corner routines - the one where it all goes wrong but then goes right. George had a straight strike - watch out goal queen! The forwards were working hard moving channels and running a lot, confusing the Haverhill defence. The second goal was something quite marvellous! It went from our defence to George who did some fab dribbling, carving her way up the pitch, to Kim, to Sophie. Sophie with a well timed pass to Kim at the top of the D meant only one thing... Great anticipation to see if the pony would prance. Much to my relief my feeble shot was stopped by Jess as it rolled to p spot and finished off in far more style.

Unfortunately at half time we found ourselves a woman down. It was ok, we said. We have control, poise, patience and level heads. We maintained control of the game, however Haverhill were placing us under some pressure. In a blink of an eye we conceded a goal and were down to nine… (Not sure how). Fortunately Sophie had the luck of the Irish (in the form of her hunky Irish boyfriend) and scored a wonderful individual goal (show off).

Nothing else really happened: oh wait.

• Jess got a green card (she keeps thinking she's on the rugby pitch)
  
• George got told off for extravagant appealing
  
• Kim got pushed which resulted in her crying and being given a yellow for being emotionally unstable (I'm not sure how but this is my first ever card)
  
• The Haverhill team got two green cards
  
• Liles got a ball to the toe which resulted in a nasty break!
  

Oh AND LOOPY SAVED TWO PENALTY FLICKS. That's right.... Not one but two!!!! At one point George could be heard shouting "loopy, you are my heroine". Quite rightly MOM.

Things I have learnt from the yellow card experience:

• Don't get yellow carded when your team is down to ten ladies already - makes for an angry George and co.
  
• Stamping your feet and saying I demand to be heard doesn't necessarily work
  
• When yellow carded, don't try and coach - this is frowned upon
  
• Crying doesn't get you out of trouble (Elaine - I'm sure you said that works??)
  
• Hockey is a big girls’ game…
  

We wish Liles and her big broken toe a speedy recovery! Oh, and does anyone know a good yoga teacher?!!!!