The final game of the year was upon the M2s and, although we were in no danger of either promotion or relegation, there was still a prize to chase – Lemon of the Season. With Anns, Cooper and Nelson all tied on 5, it had come down to the final weekend. Nelson wisely declared himself unavailable as a defensive measure and with Cooper bagging a goal, it could only really ever be Thomas. A worthy winner.

The match itself was pleasant enough, with our hosts playing the old ‘eleventh man pings a hamstring’ card that we’d invoked ourselves at Alford, to generously contest the majority of the game with 10. Room was not hard to find. This was, in fact, so far removed from last week’s traumas as to be considered a different sport altogether.

An early short corner went central, then right, before finding its way to Cooper, space-interpreting near the penalty spot. He’d already told anybody that’d listen that today would see the scoring of his one goal for the season. Hearts were in mouths as he flicked the ball goal-ward…

GOAL!

Incredible scenes.

‘Offside! Offside!’, screamed Anns, but to no avail.

A second followed shortly thereafter, courtesy of a neat, right post deflection by Lamming.

With a cushion on the scoreboard and, by now, a man advantage, our foot was taken off the pedal, placed on a nice, warm beach and served a large sangria.

At some point in the second half, Bartonez woke up long enough to crash in a third, which really did prompt a free-for-all as all manner of people chased a goal for themselves. This may have been counter-productive.

Steve Parker has been a fantastic servant of this club for many years and he heads for the green pastures of retirement with our blessing and genuine best wishes. It would have been too much of a fairytale, however, for him to finish a Second XI game with a clean sheet. Our defensive curtain obliging thrust itself open in the dying minutes to leave the outgoing stopper exposed, first to the original shot and then to the slow-mo rebound. Sorry, Steve!

The season’s other lemony contenders ought to be recorded, so here is The 2014/15 Roll of Dishonour:

Anns (6)

13.09.14 – pitchside pukey warm-up.

20.09.14 – declared an affection for JT’s rear and stole his own car keys.

15.11.14 – ‘pube face’.

14.03.15 – had a seaside nightmare.

21.03.15 – attempted patricide whilst Mother watched on.

28.03.15 – sealed the deal by desperately trying to get Cooper’s opener disallowed. Later plonked himself up front in a failed bid to score a goal of his own.

Nelson (5)

04.10.14 – a succession of wild swipes before Millward finally stopped passing and instead started scoring himself.

11.10.14 – some of us are still unsure what the ‘special sauce travel-related incident’ actually was.

10.01.15 – ‘and THAT’S WHY I PLAY CENTRE FORWARD!’

28.02.15 – six weeks had passed so it was time for another emotional eruption.

07.03.15 – a harsh one: he was in the USA at the time!

Cooper (5)

27.09.14 – absent from a meet arranged at his own house.

18.10.14 – myriad reasons but calling for additional committee support to open the wrong door was the main one.

01.11.14 – defensively, as solid as a blancmange.

22.11.14 – needed Lino to be at his very best to acrobatically save a spectacular own-goal attempt.

17.01.15 – apparently clothing the team is the Captain’s responsibility. Took full advantage of our walking wardrobe dentist.

Tanner (2)

29.11.14 – managed to get himself sent off whilst already in fact being off.

06.12.14 – keygate – dragging your girlfriend from her post-night shift slumber to a wintry Lincolnshire wasteland is ill-advised.

Walsh (1)

30.08.14 – kicked the year off in a portaloo.

South (Paul) (1)

25.10.14 – no matter how many times you ask them, the staff at Burger King won’t make you a Little Chef Olympic Breakfast.

Lorenzo (1)

08.11.14 - somewhere towards the start of his six-month wedding, Lino first set a Crystal Maze-style challenge to offer his GK kit to the rest of the squad, then carefully omitted various components for the giggles.

Robertson (1)

24.01.15 – tried to undress the opposition’s youngest player.

Menzies (1)

07.02.15 – power-slide removed plenty of buttock.

Pawson (1)

14.02.15 – truly awful headband was a clear and deserving winner.

Virdi (1)

21.03.15 – exhorting the Captain to push over the umpire is not a good idea.