Or in this case, a double edged bread knife – which do exist in far-flung places such as Ely. Just to shed some light on the Lemon (undeserved I may point out), you can’t be too careful when attempting to assist your teammates in preparing the after-game teas; you don’t know who is watching. The bottom line is that the bread got cut – as clean and smooth as a Lamming run through the Ely back-line, irrespective of which side of the knife I used.

Now for the game…

On the journey through the arid landscape of the east of England, travelling past the mountainous terrain in the soon-to-be-scrapped green machine, the astute Capt. Coops pointed out that, “I don’t remember Ely being this far away.” We checked and they have not moved it over the summer. However, it did seem to take longer than it should to get to the famous cathedral city.

Upon arrival, the Cambs South M2 squad (or more accurately, the bare eleven) were faced with treacherous conditions, howling wind, mud, rain and a rugga-filled changing room. After Anns had “got down to his fighting weight” and declared after the first sitting it wasn’t finished yet and would need round two before kick-off, we eagerly took to the field itching to be marshalled through Herr Mann’s pre-match preparations. The rigorous warm up was followed to the letter. We can’t argue with the effect of the session; three times he’s put us through our paces and three times we’ve ended with clean sheet wins.

The rain abated just as we started but the downpour continued in a different form - CSHC attack after CSHC attack rained down on the Ely back line. The first full ten minutes of play was all in the hosts’ 23 – however, despite numerous efforts we didn’t find the back of the net. Ely then mounted some attacks of their own. Was it going to be CoP 7 all over again? Was it…? We bl**dy hoped not.

Fears were allayed when a quick-fire two goal burst gave the visitors a well-deserved lead. Dan Loy, on his debut, dived to rattle in an expert pull-back from Lamming. Then it was link up play between "Ladies’ Man"* Walshy and Joe Whittaker to again release Lamming who, via a tee-up from a defender, got the ball to Russell to slam in the second with a tennis-style thwack.

Things calmed down a bit later in the half. Herr Mann and Ladies’ Man were in complete control of the midfield, expertly finding the three forwards with ease. When Ely did have the odd foray into our half, the back four of Engine, Anns, Capt. Coops and Kerny (p.s. fantastic to see him back galloping up and down the line again after the Spalding bump) simply picked them off, like stealing sweets from an innocent Hallowe’en trick-or-treater.

The third goal came before half time when someone (probably Lamming again, as he buzzed about to great effect all game in full hyper-gopher mode) found Loy on the edge of the D to smash in – much to the joy of the international fan base on the side line.

Half time came and the usual clichés were thrown around by most people, apart from Anns who kept on declaring we should be on for a cricket score.

Into the second half and Ely did put up a bit of a fight for the first ten minutes - they however, lost said fight to themselves and their umpires. Three-nil up and there were a few twitches as South kept on thinking of previous implosions; however, after a clean strike from a well-rehearsed short corner routine by Russell the game was ended as a contest. Not long after that the fifth came from Whittaker who calmly slotted home after a pull back from Russell – game over.

Honourable mention must go to Herr Mann who was unceremoniously tripped up (or took a flamboyant dive, depending on your point of view) in the D to win a short, to then afterward say that his delicate back sounded like a pack of Pringles as he hit the floor – ouch.

To sum up – it wasn’t a very pretty game but 5-0 is not to be sniffed at. The CSHC Men’s 2 steamroller is picking up speed, three clean sheet wins on the bounce. Who’s next?