As I woke up on the 19th March 2016, I realised it was the day that I had been waiting for all season long. Captain Jim slowly undressed me, slipping me out of my paper garments and handed me over to the officials. One was short, round and bald, the other was taller and rounder. I could see in the eyes of the shorter one that after the match my destiny would lie in his hands, probably to be sold on the internet. But for now, my mind was on the game.

South started with intent with Rosselli and Troll taking me round the back and passing me from one to the other. The gentle touch of Inshore caressing my body further up, and Mikey - who may or may not have been over the legal age - taking me on dizzying runs, twisting this way and that until I was spent. University came back hard, wrestling me out of the firm hands of Williams to set up a break and a short corner. Seconds later I was in the back of the net, my whole being ached and sang, but I knew there was more to come, much more to come.

South came again strongly, Troll took me to new heights as I felt my whole being lifting and then soaring through thin air, and whenever Pearson got his stick on me it was like a roller-coaster ride I was giddy with excitement and he had the crowd - yes the crowd - begging for more. I was then passed on through the masterful experience of Graveling to Bhav. For a split second, I thought this might be “the Asian Gentleman” who stick length was legendary; some saying that it is as long as an elephant’s trunk and twice as flexible, but alas no. With Bhav, though, I came across a new and somewhat pleasurable phenomena. Under his breath whenever I was in his clutches, I could hear a chant, a kind of mantra willing me on, higher and higher, further and further… “all day long, all day long” and then something else (which I can’t repeat here, but he was certainly taking to heart).

Later came the climax, when Rimmer, living up to his name, took me, full of oozing dribble, right into Uni’s D, and passed me on to Spencer, who hit me hard.

The net bulged.

I don’t remember much of the next five minutes but when I awoke I was sore, but ready for more. I looked around and realised to my joy that I was about to be injected by Inshore for another short corner. It was slick, it was sharp; it was heavenly. Inshore to Graveling, Pearson to Spencer, Spencer to Pearson. The net bulged once more.

Just when I thought the day couldn’t get any better, the captain came on and with the calm touch of and experienced campaigne, he took control. Chalk and Williams slapped me around a little for fun to great effect, and Jason had a couple of vital touches that made me want to be in his safe hands forever, Pawson, with a sudden urgency, took me and spanked me, I thought I was there, but came crashing down to land when I hit the post.

There was one slightly embarrassing moment, though. Rimmer, clearly attempting re-entry prematurely, got over excited and had to have a few minutes cooling off.

As the final whistle blew, and I came back down to reality, my body was exhausted and satiated, but my mind was only on him… he was not there… I needed my soulmate, someone of about my height… but he was somewhere up a mountain… the day I had been waiting for all season, marked with disappointment.