We closed the season with a M3s vs M4s derby and Jan ended his reign early by taking a premature holiday, handing the captaincy to Douglas for a single match (thanks, Jan). The only major decision was whether to risk going with a kicking back rather than a goalie, a risk that paid off as the 4s struggled to deal with our extra outfield player. Considering I stood at the back shouting at everyone I can’t really remember details of the twelve goals we scored so in honour of our man-of-the-match this match report is in Joe-style. At least the stuff I can remember.

• Neil arrives late. So late in fact that umpire Bhav has to wait for Neil to run onto the pitch before starting the game.

• Joe scores within five minutes, and then Paul scores and then Joe scores again, and then Paul scores again.

• Douglas scores from a tight angle. Sadly it’s from outside the D, and into our own goal!

• We probably scored again. I can’t remember.

• The 4s score from what was possibly their only touch in the D in the first half, as from a sideline ball in our own 25 the ball is intercepted and fed to Chairman Greaves, who takes a first time strike past a largely ineffective kicking back.

• A foot on the line awards us a penalty flick. Joe volunteers himself (how humble!) and makes a mess of it, providing Andy T with a nice save. As much as Andy deserves commending for the save I think it’s important to emphasise just how woeful the flick was.

• We probably scored another one before halftime. Quite a few of our goals had the same build up. From a 16 the ball goes wide to Ellis/Jeroen who pass up the line to James/Ed who drive along the baseline and pass to Joe/Paul/Rob near the P spot to put the ball in the goal.

• Beginning of the second half and the M4s start strong, particularly through Tom, Laurie and Pip. In fact, they have a significant period of play in our half but don’t achieve more than a solitary short corner.

• The watching M1s get a masterclass in passing around the back, as the backline of Ellis, Douglas, Neil and Jeroen transfer the ball from one side to the other on numerous occasions.

• Rob scores a couple on the reverse (naturally) and when we’re awarded another penalty flick, begs the skipper for the opportunity to seal his hat-trick even though having missed at Long Sutton he’s at the bottom of the list. However he shows Joe how it’s done with a strong flick going in the bottom corner.

• Raj and Charlie had a great partnership in the middle, turning over the ball in the middle and setting up new attacks frequently.

• Joe added another three goals in the second half to end up with six, most of them good finishes on the end of hard work from Ed and James. Sadly he needed ten more to challenge for Goal King.

• Ed scored one late on; no idea what happened. Sadly, despite all his hard work James went goalless in his last match for South, until he decides Devon’s not all it’s cracked up to be and returns to South again.

• Did we score a single short corner? Where were you Dave?

• Kicking backs Neil and Douglas didn’t use their feet once.

• Post match we debated what the final score was. Rob said 13-1, claiming four goals for himself while everyone else (including umpire Naomi) said 12-1 with Rob getting three. Rob was outvoted and later realised Paul was claiming a cheeky deflection, robbing him of the fourth.

• At the end of the match Rob was leading Goal King with 22. Pearson then went and scored two to draw with Rob as the M1s won 3-2. Only 3-2 - slackers!

Anything else of note people would like to report?