11.06am:
Graham: 'I cant even stand, let alone play hockey AND umpire.'

11.24am:
Sophie: 'Oh no.'*
(*Other, more choice, words were actually used.)

11.26am:
Sophie on WhatsApp: 'Anyone fancy umpiring half a mixed game?'

Silence.

11.45am:
Arrival at the pitch to confirm Graham's cancellation was not a wind up.

11.56am:
Sophie on phone to Kim: 'Pleeeeeeeeeeeeasee.'

11.57am:
Kim drops everything she had planned on her busy Sunday and rushes to the pitch with spaniel in tow.

12.00pm:
St Ives team practice drag flicks while Tom is still trying to sober up.

12.10pm:
Neil starts the game. St Ives hit us like a ton of bricks.

12.23pm:
St Ives score.

13.28pm:
Spaniel pitch invasion.

12.31-12.32pm:
Emma can't reach a long pass...Colin pirouettes whilst swinging his stick by his shoulder, somehow also failing to stop said pass...Loopy goes for a jog and St Ives, using one hand, tap the ball into our net as the rest of our team stand and watch.

12.34pm:
Emma and Colin are subbed for a 'breather'. Tequilla-Tom and Janette come on to strengthen the defence.

12.39pm:
In a desperate attempt to ensure Pearson doesn't overtake Sophie for Goal Queen, Sophie wallops the ball from a reverse stick strike narrowly missing the goal and (thankfully, due to her lightning fast reactions) Georgie's head.

12.41pm:
Neil whistles for half time.

12.42pm:
Rich, much like superman, quickly discards his orange umpire's bib to reveal his playing shirt and a look of steely determination.

12.44pm:
Colin to team: 'Well…umm…I don't really know…Sophie? Is everyone hydrated?'

Sophie, while trying to inconspicuously remove her undertop, addresses team to the dulcet tones of Kim practicing blowing her whistle.

12.45pm:
Tom's hangerover kicks in.

12.52pm:
Second half commences.

The power couple of Hannah and Ollie lead the charge with excellent linking play.

12.58-12.59pm:
Working from the defence, Laurie clears the ball wide to Chris, who runs around a bit until he finds the D and makes a shot for goal which Lou G ensures (thieves) makes it past the keeper.

13.07-13.09pm:
Rich makes a great run, spotting his girlfriend in the D.

Rich: 'Here you go, my dear…'
Georgie: 'No, no, I insist you shoot, petal…'
Rich: 'No, honey bunch, you've earned it. You score…'
Georgie scored (Rich probably did too).

13.14pm:
Colin stops practicing ballet and makes a great run towards St Ives's D and finds Wilco, whose shot deflects off the keeper to make it 3-2.

13.18pm:
Andy T…what a goal!!!!

13.23pm:
Neil puts St Ives out of their misery, blowing the final whistle.

13.47pm:
Pizza

13.59pm:
Graham voted Lemon (other votes for Colin, Pearson and Georgie).

Rich voted Man of the Match (other votes for Georgie, Tom, Emma, Colin and Kim).

20.27pm:
Graham stands up.

The people mentioned are real, however the times and events that occurred may have been exaggerated for reading purposes.