The day started the same as any other at this time of year. The sky was, once again, engulfed by greying clouds that had bullied the sun from its rightful place, preventing it from painting a coat of golden heat on the land beneath it. The fortress of Long Road was one of the day’s many prisoners and those on its hallowed ground huddled in small groups to keep warm.

As the M2s began to appear pitch-side, donning an array of different scarves and cheering on their comrades already in battle, NBM went on a much appreciated coffee run (it should be noted that, as previously mentioned, this was the same as any other day at this time of year - so once again, NBM was doing this against the orders of both doctors and loved ones. Thankfully, he did just about survive the caffeine this time around). This incident, though, did lead to the day’s first surprise: “I will have a double espresso please - with lots of sugar,” said a confident Chris Walsh. To cut a long story short, it became clear that he did not completely know what one was, as he not only did not feel he could finish the thimble sized drink but also stated that he didn’t like it (bringing back other misdemeanours of his, like believing for years that Colin’s surname was in fact Trollman [pronounced Trollmn]). Anyway, after the coffee kerfuffle and the whistle blowing for half time in the match being played, the - now frozen - M2s battalion made their way to the warmth of the changing rooms.

Before the actual match is recounted, key notes that should be mentioned at this point are:

• The skipper had gone for a more rugged look by adding attempted ‘stylish stubble’ to his appearance and did contemplate playing the match in brogues.

• Alex (who is from Belgium although this has no relevance yet this does now seem to be a defining part of his description as opposed to his nude modelling with fruits) was poorly, so sidelined himself - note to a link later in this piece, he does actually play (all good writing makes links between the beginning and end).

• Owen wore a half-cap-half-woollen-hat fusion from his days as a Tony Hawk enthusiast and would have been the pick of the skater boys down at the ramp in the 90s wearing it.

• It was stated by the statesman that, “We should score 4 again but, this time, concede fewer.”

Now, the match. Both teams were set on three points and nothing less would suffice. St Ives started in the vein of a team that were higher placed in the league (which, incidentally, they were…so it made sense really). They harried the South defence with quick and decisive passing, dominating the early stages of the match. The South attack were not given much opportunity to show off what they could do in response as they spent the first fifteen minutes pinned back in their own third, with Walsh having to play as a third centre back for the most part. As the pressure grew, St Ives won themselves a short corner. Don’t worry though: they slipped it left and slapped it, and even though the ball made it past the frame of St Gower, it rolled towards Anns on his open stick. Anns, a man who enjoys stationary involvement in games and, despite his faults, picks the ball on the left post more often than not so it was assumed that there would be no problem here. Oh. Hold on. What? He’s given it the dramatic all-arms cricket leave (patented by Brian Lara Cricket on the Playstation, 1998) and then side footed it into the backboard. 0-1. Don’t worry, lightning never strikes twice. Oh. Hold on.

St Ives won another short corner soon after and the ball was shelled towards the left post again (understandably, based on the previous success). Luckily for South, this time Anns did not leave the ball, nor kick it in. Oh. Hold on. That was because he wasn’t there… He had decided that he didn’t fancy the left post this time and had gone elsewhere, leaving the St Ives forward the job of tapping it in. Oh. Hold on. What? He’s copied Anns’ earlier technique and given it the dramatic all-arms cricket leave (patented by Brian Lara Cricket on the Playstation, 1998) and missed it. Cue sigh of relief.

As the half progressed, South began to work their way back into it with confident passing from back to front and the midfield getting more of the ball and using it more wisely: a credit to the style of play that the team have adopted since Christmas. New man, Sam, in particular, made a nuisance of himself around the D and kept South as a constant threat, along with creative stalwarts Mann and Menzies. After a near miss from a short corner, South were awarded another. The injection was slightly to the right so Anns’ eyes bulged at the prospect of a shot to undo his earlier misdemeanours. Hammering it at the left post, he was able to set up Polge, who got enough stick on it to squeeze it inside the post. Cue loud shouts of positivity. 1-1.

Before the half time break, South broke through the St Ives defence again, working it well from the back and through the midfield with incisive passing and, after Sam rounded the goalkeeper and pushed the ball goalwards, it was stopped, quite deliberately, by the foot of an Ives’ defender. Cue loud shouts of negativity. In retrospect, would many of us have done the same thing in the same position? Yes. No grudges held. Anyway, the umpire awarded South a flick and St Ives a yellow card. Correct decision, no complaints from either side. Jack Chalk stepped up to the spot confidently and slotted the ball inside the left post (three goals in as many games since returning from injury). 2-1.

The match to-ed and fro-ed until the half time whilst blew.

Half-time comprised the usual words of wisdom from several of the troops and finished with Alex. He had some very important tactical information to pass on before the match re-started. He took a deep breath, thinking carefully about how to word his essential information. “Guys, I think tha-“.

The second half began; the air carrying a sentence that would never finish. Both teams came out looking to impose themselves upon the final period of the game. South gained the upper hand with a beautifully crafted goal. Short corner. Clockwork. Jack injects. Anns stops. Coops slides left. Mann slaps to the right post. Menzies guides it goalwards. Backboard. We’ve seen that before! 3-1. But not over yet.

It should be noted that at this point Menzies was given the title of ‘ringer’ by the opposition. Sadly, he heard this and we can only hope that it doesn’t go to his head (cue later point to bring him back to earth).

The rotating forwards were beginning to tire the St Ives defence and their frustrations were beginning to tell. Dom, Jack and Shane Long - sorry, Sam Polge - were making good runs and providing space for the skilful Mann, Menzies, Hornby and NBM. Walshy played his usual solid self at the base of midfield and his defensive work did not go unnoticed. The team effort was complemented by solid passing by the back four, with some useful runs and line passes given by Rug and Engine.

All of a sudden, Menzies began to run with the ball more. What was this? Oh, I see! The figure of his (recently called up to the England squad) father watched on proudly as his son skilfully rounded the fifteen year old in East League Division 4 North West. It should probably be noted that he did also do a spinney thing that looked pretty good and was also useful.

At some point before the next part, the silver fox left back of St Ives did rinse many of our players down the left (yeah, he was definitely quicker than we thought - best keep it away from him).

St Ives persevered and won several short corners throughout the half in periods when they applied pressure to the South goal. Understandably, based on the intelligence gained from the first half, they attacked the left hand post. Thankfully, Anns remembered that he actually wasn’t inept at this position and picked several of these quite impressively (even though he says so himself).

Passing and moving through the whole team ended in another goal (arguably the best of the lot) finished by the statesman himself, Herr Mann, rounding off a good day’s hunting. 4-1.

The last five minutes allowed time for a slightly less sniffy Belgian Alex to enter the fray and put all thoughts of blocked noses and sore throats behind him.

The match ended. A good battle and a well-earned three points.

Key after-match points:

• “The older guy you brought on in the second half was good,” said the St Ives player. This older guy was in fact James Menzies and he actually played the whole first half. Take the rough with the smooth there.

• “Who took those picks on the left post?!” said new man Sam at the end of the match (the same guy who kicked one in his own goal in the first half).

“We should score 4 again but, this time, concede fewer.”

Oh, okay then.

Bring on Peterborough next.