So it was that thirteen players and their dedicated manager took to the field one cool January morning. A long month had passed since their previous outing; a rigorous and disciplined training regime had seen them carefully monitoring their hydration levels and supplementing their ordinarily sparse diets.

Just about recalling the usual pre-match preparations, overfed bodies were impelled into motion and unyielding joints were bent and stretched. As the warmup concluded, concern rose that one of our number had yet to appear. Some hasty WhatsApp action and Alex "The Timekeeper" Baekelandt was located in a different timezone: yes he was coming, and yes he would be there for the 3pm pushback…what, 2pm?

The game started well for South, albeit not with the envisaged lineup. The back four worked the ball left-to-right and right-to-left. The midfield moved well, distributed the ball and threaded some excellent cross-channel passes. The attack stretched the play, drew the defence, and looked dangerous. The opposition were harried when they had the ball and struggled to assert themselves.

The first of South's chances fell to Sam "Tomahawk" Polge who just failed to put his first reverse-strike shot on target. The second South chance came from Jon "Mr Motivator" Mann's diagonal ball into the D. Bravely ignoring the shout to leave it, Matt "Pixel Perfect" Kern stepped off the p-spot to collect the ball. With back to the goal and defenders bearing down, he deftly reverse flicked the ball to the left post along its original trajectory, where James "The Orthodontist" Menzies slotted the ball past the too-advanced goalie.

There were a few more half chances during the first half but South played less of the running and passing game that worked so well initially. The defence continued to work well, with Tom "Junior" Anns in particular picking aerials, tackling and passing like a pro.

The second half continued where the first half left off. The opposition saw more of the ball and more of the South D. The pressure told and South started to concede short corners. During one of these, Douglas "Axminster" Gibson took a well-struck shot between shoe and shinguard and had to retire from the field. A little rearranging saw Pixel Perfect drop back into defence only to take a similarly well-struck shot on the toe in a subsequent shorty.

Not to be outdone, Captain Coops, the team's usual kicking back, threaded a lovely pass to the opposition centre forward just outside the D, luckily retaining sufficient poise to recover the situation. South fell back, playing deeper within our own half and inviting more pressure. Tired legs saw men unmarked. The opposition put together some good passing and running moves of their own, which ultimately saw them net two goals.

South continued to apply periods of pressure. It was during one of these that a ball in from the right picked out Dom "Thunder" Nelson at the top of the D. Dom took as wide as stance as his wishbone would allow and rained down a mighty blow upon the ball. So stunned, the ball rocketed up and in the direction of the goal, albeit at significantly higher altitude. Dom may rue not snapping his wishbone and wishing for a goal.

During another attack, James "The Orthodontist" Menzies, out on the left with the ball, stood with his back to a defender. The subsequent shimmy and pirouette that took him past the defender drew a complement from the the still-stationary defender, it was that good. Maybe James should consider giving up dentistry for dance?

South started excellently and full of promise. Despite a number of chances and half-chances the opposition carried the day, a most unsatisfactory ending. To cap it all a horribly ill-considered attempt at humour saw Tom Anns, despite an excellent day on the field, take MoM rather than LoM in the post-game voting. The start of the Trumpocalypse?