Friday 17th February, 02:34 (GMT+8)

As I crept through the Malaysian undergrowth, I wondered whether I would get back in time for the St Ives showdown tomorrow lunchtime. I couldn’t disappear for a whole weekend again; what would the team think?

Friday 17th, 03:15 (GMT+8)

I tried to stay focused. Eight months of intel had lead us to this point. I checked my sniper was securely fastened in my stick bag. Ahhh, my trusty old stick bag; twelve secret missions, eighty-six hockey matches and counting.

Friday 17th, 09:28 (GMT+8)

Yes! The plans to destroy Dr Evil’s secret volcano base, I had them. M will be so proud. I discreetly made my way to the edge of the compound and swiftly disabled the oncoming guard with my best spinny trick. Onwards, never backwards.

Friday 17th, 16:42 (GMT+6)

Mission complete. As we flew over the Indian Ocean, I breathed a sigh of relief. CSHC wouldn’t be calling Mum this week. I just hope my housemates didn’t notice I’d been gone again.

Saturday 18th, 09:00 (GMT)

I was back from HQ debrief in plenty of time. No delayed train excuse today. If only they all knew, Mike Karran: International Man of Mystery.

Saturday 18th, 12:15 (GMT)

Xabi gave an inspired talk about not getting injured. Thank goodness he doesn’t know about the dangers of fighting Dr Evil’s henchmen. Rossellini was soon whinging about a bump on his leg after taking a knock in the warm up. I noticed the bruise was well below his knee.

Saturday 18th, 12:50 (GMT)

If only stopping goals and scoring them was as easy as being a secret agent. The So Solid Crew at the back were missing Bhav, Gravelling, Stu and elder statesman, Paresh. A chaotic display ensued, with St Ives firing in a few okay drag flicks. When South won their first short, up stepped Shin. After endless drag flick practice, here was his opportunity. Shin slung the ball, arrowing towards the top left hand corner. The crowd (Wizard) was going wild, up until the St Ives keeper just tipped it over the bar.

Despite his knee, Tom earned Man of the Match when he sprinted all the way up the pitch and ended up one-on-one with the keeper. A sight to behold. (Defenders take note, this won’t earn you MoM every week so please don’t try it).

Players out of position was an ongoing theme throughout the match. Xabi & Dusty towards the back, Chris in midfield, G playing a centre forward/left back hybrid. Thankfully Jason stayed in goal. Jonny Camp had a solid debut in midfield, showing good composure on the ball. Going forwards, we created some decent opportunities and were unlucky not to score a couple of goals.

Saturday 18th, 13:28 (GMT)

Bang! Was my cover blown? Had Dr Evil found me? I looked around, desperately looking for the cause of the explosion. Instead, I saw Dom had hit the deck, registering 3.2 on the Richter scale. Let’s hope he’s bought some new astros before the M2s' promotion run-in.

Saturday 18th, 14:00 (GMT)

I escaped post match teas; Q had some new gadgets waiting for me. Hopefully he has a spare calculator I can lend Jim.