December… For some, a time for presents; for others, churchgoing; and for a select few, the Trinity. I am of course referring to the total number of players who had made it to the changing rooms at ten minutes before pushback.

Our "Spirits" were lifted, however, upon reaching the pitch five minutes later to discover our teammates waiting on the sideline. We were all set for a great game of hockey…all six of us.

Myself, Joe, and David were first greeted by a very luminous Andy T, who had once again made use of his wormhole generator to arrive well before everyone else and was completely padded upon our arrival. Matt and Alex P quickly dispensed with the pleasantries after doing the arithmetic and conversation shifted towards whether or not e-mails requesting lifts from players were actually actioned.

Seeing our dire player situation, we were graciously offered a "loan" of a spare St Ives player, which we accepted. Player shortages aside; it was a momentous occasion. For the first time in recorded history, there were only two Alex's on the teamsheet - finally, less name confusion! Celebrations were short lived, however, as we quickly discovered that the loaned St Ives player was named - yes, you guessed it…Alex.

On to the game…

It was a game which required more doubling up than cheap single-ply toilet paper.

We started pleasantly enough with the sticks-in huddle and shout. Focus was quickly shifted as the debutante skipper made it publicly known that he'd forgotten his playing shirt. A decision which was later to earn him a certain citrus award.

What ensued was a mad skirmish to get the spare shirts but, alas, there were none to be found. The game was thence played by two shirtless players…I'll leave it to the reader's imagination as to what this actually means.

It was business as usual with the M5s…

Ash was once again trying to break the world record for number of words spoken during a hockey match (coincidentally held by fellow club member, Bhavdeep). Fortunately, that aspiration didn't distract him from some cheeky dribbling, passing and sophisticated foul-searching tactics - efforts ultimately wasted on the umpire.

With the absence of John "Lumberjack" Greaves, it was up to me to uphold the M5s' Brazillian footballer tradition of diving whenever an opposition player got within five feet. Tradition successfully upheld.

Battle was soon joined by James 'Fashionably Late' Raikes, true to his namesake, sporting a dashing skin-tight number which left no part of his masculine exterior to the imagination; something which pundits would later argue was pivotal in keeping the opposition in their own half.

The defence of Andy T, James R, Joe and Shin kept penetrations down to a handful. David B and Shahzad "Wrong Destination" Ali, casually interjected with well-timed body and stick tackles to hinder the opposition's progress. Who said hockey was a clean game? Not the M5s for sure, going by the turnout in the post-game showers.

The first half saw three forgettable goals conceded by the Southerners. Forgettable, in that my usual position of "down the opposition keeper's throat" left me with very little to see - especially in those dimly lit conditions - and taking into account my ripe old age.

Trailing by three goals at half time, I remember Shin saying, "It's only three goals". A comment which, had the score not turned out the way it did, would normally be contender for LoM.

Fortunately, the second half comeback was strong. High-flying newcomer, Matt S, was having a cracking game. There were some exceptional plays between himself, Ash, and both Alex P and Alex W. A late-game attacking effort from Joe "The Goalkeeper" Whittaker and Shin "Arrives at Half Time with Lame Excuse" Kim was also instrumental in the final result.

Along the way it became apparent that Simon J had been secretly practising his reverse stick passes and short corner injections. Between Simon and Joe, the short corner push-outs were flawless. Was this a side effect of actually practicing short corner routines before the game? We will never know.

The South goals came fast and hard…

The first by myself from a tap-in past the keeper from a brilliantly deceptive pinpoint pass from Simon J.

The second was a lightning sweep-strike from the top of the D by none other than newcomer Matt S - the ball facing no obstacle on its trajectory into the top corner, leaving the goalkeeper swatting empty air.

The third, only a couple of minutes from the end, from another well executed short corner push-out and drag flick.

The scoreline was therefore tied at a satisfying three-three. Honour retained, we make a quick exit back to the teas, taking special care not to "get wet" along the way.