CHAPTER 1: Gedney. The Cote d’Azur of the Fens. 

Meandering through the delightful Gedneys: made up of Gedney Hill, Gedney Drove End, and Gedney Dyke, it was only as we drove along farm tracks untouched by human foot with the Gedney Marsh Wind Farm whirring eerily behind us did we truly ask ourselves: Are we horribly, horribly lost? In fact the only member of the Men’s 2s not asking themselves this, and who definitely should’ve been, was NBM – who was in Spalding. 

CHAPTER 2: Knitwear and dislocated elbows

I was dismayed to find I hadn’t packed my tracksuit top and was forced instead to warm-up in a knitted woollen jumper, a natty blue and grey stripe which, though relatively formal for a game of hockey, I found to be surprisingly breathable. 

As the M2s went through the vigorous pre-match routines which had seen us reap a majestic 1 points from 2 prior games, and with slogans such as: ‘BELIEVE!’ and ‘STRAIGHT FROM THE OFF’ and ‘THIS WOOL IS ACTUALLY QUITE ITCHY’ hanging in the air, the wind was taken from our sails when our manager and spiritual leader, Matthew Puddlefoot, dislocated an elbow whilst reaching for a hockey stick. 

Now if you type ‘Dislocating an elbow whilst reaching for a hockey stick’ into Google, it yields roughly 24,600 results, i.e. quite common.

HOWEVER, if you type ‘Dislocating an Elbow whilst reaching for a hockey stick IN LONG SUTTON’ it yields only 10 results. Which shows just how rare an occurrence it is.

Puddlefoot was promptly dispatched to A&E in Kings Lynn with our best wishes and the umpire’s whistle ringing in his ears. 

CHAPTER 3: THE MATCH.

It had been noted that some of the Long Sutton team were so young that some of them still bore the faint whiff of amniotic fluid about them. We were reminded to use our ‘experience’ and ‘girth’ to overcome their youthful zeal. 

We knew it was going to be a long day when three minutes into the game one of their more foetal players executed a perfect 360 spin past left-back Barney, leaving him gasping and clutching at the air as if he’d just been publicly humiliated by a child, which he had. 

The wheezing cogs of the mighty Men’s 2s war machine gradually spluttered into gear, and the ball was shipped around to relatively good effect. Sinews were strained, faces ruddy, there was a lot of effort being put in without an awful lot of end product.

All very ‘Simon Cooper and Jack Chalk dancing in the Regal at 2am in front of a phalanx of horrified women, wretching into their Stellas.’

Before the game, Captain Cooper had casually advised us to, ‘Get your feet around the ball’ and play on the open stick. ‘Just like in indoor hockey,’ he added nonchalantly, before getting his feet around a 16 and topping it straight to one of their centre forwards. 

Tom Anns meanwhile, had clearly taken it upon himself to perform a one-man Buster Keaton tribute act and spent much of the match performing some wonderfully virtuoso physical comedy, involving: falling over for no reason, looking like he was running backwards when he was actually running forwards, and passing balls across his own D to the opposition striker.

In truth, despite a much improved second half and numerous short corners, Long Sutton were always that bit more composed on the ball and possessed a youngster who thought very little of smashing first time 50 yard reverse stick passes. 

In fact the second best moment of the match was Long Sutton’s third goal, when having been diligently shown on to his reverse stick by a combination of Menzies and Porson, a child going by the name of ‘Josh’ happily rifled it into the net from the edge of the D. At which point Menzies and Porson put their hands on their hips, shrugged and said, ‘Classic Josh’ in perfect unison.

CHAPTER 4: By Far The Best Moment Of The Match.

By far the best moment of the match was when NBM careened upfield with the ball under his control, only to suddenly scream and fall to the floor grabbing both buttocks. It was akin to watching a noble, if slightly wired, rhino suddenly plunge face first onto the dusty Serengeti floor, having been felled by a hunter’s gun. To his immense credit he stayed on the field and, if anything, looked slightly more mobile than normal.

CHAPTER 5: AOB.

One-fifth of Long Sutton’s showers was an eye-level blast of icy tundra water. 

NBM suggested that the broken-elbowed Puddlefoot get the train back from Kings Lynn. 

Darren still hasn’t returned Puddlefoot’s Suzuki Swift, and was last seen heading in the direction of Le Havre.

Menzies had never encountered Kraft cheese, and was about to eat it with the plastic still on until informed.

Tom Anns once dated a girl in March. The place, not the month. This was one of his more interesting anecdotes on the journey home, most of which centred around roundabouts and Macdonalds near roundabouts. He is also a genuinely dangerous driver who shouldn’t be allowed behind the wheel of a car.

THE END.