Operation Regal

For the theatrical purposes of this match report, the M3s’ WhatsApp group is the ‘stage’ and comments have been paraphrased.

It’s Thursday night and you can hear the rain howling through the dark mysterious fog that descends on Cambridge, having arrived from Long Sutton. The M3s shiver and gather around their smartphones in their respective houses as they await the team email from their fearless captain, apart from Jan and Si who do not have…smart…phones. Seriously?

[All enter stage left]
Neil: We’re not going to win. It’s Long Sutton who beat our M2s 3-0 last week, isn’t it?
Matt: Team email for the weekend has gone out, chaps. [Matt exits quickly]
[Reading the email] Dom N: What’s happened to Angry Dom (Dom R)?
Ed: Dropped to the 2s
[Group murmurs]
All: Rest in peace…
Joe: Oh well, how about if we win, we go to the Regal and Dom R can come along. But if we lose we go to Neil’s favourite place, the Anchor?

[Monologue] (Neil should be cackling at this point and evilly stroking a cat)
Neil: Ha, we’re never going to win against Long Sutton. And I LOVE expensive pale ale. That’s an easy bet. Game on.

[All exit stage]

The stage is set and there is everything to play for. Win, and not only do we beat a team the M2s failed to win against, but we also get a picture of Neil being miserable and drinking a Woo Woo in the Regal. Who wouldn’t want that?? But lose. Well…the M2s would claim back their throne and the M3s will have to watch Neil enjoying expensive pale ale by the fire reminiscing about Queens’ College, punting and cigars. Because that’s Cambridge for you.

We were motivated, we were ready and, by gosh, we were about to play the greatest seventy mins of hockey that the gathering crowd of five or so had ever seen.

The game itself

We lost a few comrades before we even started. Alex B had gracefully stepped down as we had too many players - he probably needed to go to the dentist again too - and Dom R (angry Dom) was demoted to the M2s which was probably for the best. One umpire commented after the game that South didn't really commit any cardable offences…a lot less surprising without Dom R.

However, the game got started and the M3s were quick to come out on top aside from a ten minutes spell at the end of the match where we attempted to ‘park the bus’. Short passes, running, tackles etc. that you’d expect in a hockey game. All that normal stuff. BUT getting straight to the interesting points of the match:

• Ed had a blinder of a game, securing himself three MoM votes as well as hitting the post twice. Quite literally goal-blind (ok, that’s a bit harsh).

• We scored about twenty-five minutes into the game from a well-executed short corner routine. Mariano wacking the ball to the side of a post for Ash to deflect in. Controversially, I am told it was already going in but Ash wanted a goal. Naughty.

• Mariano takes a penalty flick in the second half after a goal mouth scramble from Cambridge South ends on a Long Sutton foot but unfortunately misses it. I tried to convince the umpires, by celebrating, that the ball had actually gone over the line but my teammates were having none of it. Poor theatrical performances from all of them, except Dom (see next bullet point).

• Dom earns LoM by a land-slide for a fantastic ‘football-esque’ face plant into the opposition’s D. Having shot at goal (and been saved) he dived his face into the floor much to the dismay of James M, who had the rebound ball and was trying to shoot around Dom’s masterful performance. Dom alleges to this day that it was justified.

• Ollie…well. What can I say here to keep it PG? Let’s just say that he doesn’t like towels or underwear. Also, he has a weird knowledge of Wetherspoons. Apparently they all have different carpets. Neil would enjoy that knowledge later.

• Ash A decides to ‘do a Colin’ and launch a ball into Addenbrookes hospital’s car park. It earns him a few LoM votes. He claims the wind caught it.

• I decided to shoot at goal from the top D, heading towards goal, but a defender gets their elbow in the way of the ball.

• Lino had a fantastic game and earns MoM with 9 votes. Against the grain of play, in the dying few minutes of the game Long Sutton reared up and must have had eight or so short corners. Only through Lino’s keeping abilities did we manage to maintain a 1-0 score line. A bus driver indeed.

• Finally, but most controversially (was it intentional so he could go to the Anchor pub??), Neil decides to pass a 16 to the opposition striker with 30 seconds left to go. It earns him a couple of LoM votes. This controversy is further impacted as it was Neil himself that invented the ‘Sneade it up’ manoeuvre, where one takes the ball into a corner to waste time with five minutes or so to go when you’re either drawing or winning (see the Nomads match report) and do yard sticks. For future reference, that was the moment to do it. Not when we’re 1-1 against Nomads playing 11 v 9 men!