Away at the sunny sights of St Neots means only one thing for weary travellers, as it is renowned for some of the harshest speed-bumps this side of Trump’s “keep ‘em out” wall. Luckily, all players seemed to make it over the day’s first obstacle and pre-match rituals were able to commence. Rituals included a heartfelt moment between 150-cap VC and 100-cap captain.

With backbones shaken and some standard bad chat from all corners of the changing room, the 2s - on the back of some wins at last - took to warming up (*it should be noted at this point that NBM’s usual post-match changing room weird stuff began earlier this week, with him performing a solo massage learnt on one of his ‘business trips’ in front of gasping team mates). Rug was voted in as warm up champion after warming up the team to previous wins; he utilised the car bays with aplomb throughout the pre-match period and the only criticism of the whole event was that he did not have a handle on certain individuals who gave 100% in the 75% sprint part and vice versa (“it’s the 0.1 percents that add up to make the difference.” D.Brailsford, sometime when he was with Sir Bradley Wiggins - jus’ sayin’).

Anyway - the match (including excerpts from the mind of Christopher Lampard Walsh).

The first half began and ended with a lot of possession for South, with the ball being transferred around the back and through midfield with a sense of confidence and tranquillity. South managed to create several chances but were unable to find the final touch. The calm head of James Men-oops-Mark Williams helped keep South moving forward, linking up well with the rotating forwards, NBM, Toby, Max and Dom, but were kept at bay by some good tackling at the back by St Neots.

Just as the half time whistle blew, St Neots were awarded a short corner. Hearts were in mouths. No. Not now. We were on top! This isn’t fair! Oh thank god - it was unconverted. Nil-nil

It was as Coops spoke to the team that something amazing happened. Unseen by the majority, the Angel Gabriel came down and placed a star upon the head of a middle-aged Christopher Walsh. “It’s like the star they put on good people on the old FIFA games - I will like score goals and stuff. Yeah.”

With the angel’s deed done, the match was able to restart. Not too long in, an occurrence occurred:

Chris Walsh: That star thing is following me around - it’s ruining my matt clay hair. I like it though. Someone is dribbling into the D - gi’e i’ ‘ere. Righ’ I go’ i’ now. Bang. Goal. YEAHHHHH - that’s the one for the season! High fives and stuff - not Coops, he gave me a black eye last time. Wooooo.

1-0

Kenzie and the rest of South, spurred by the goal began to grow in confidence and intensity.

Chris Walsh: It’s like last time. I want another one. I like goals. I like matt clay. I like the ball. GOAALLL. That’s two. Fank yoo for the ball, Barnee.

2-0

Chris Walsh: It’s like last time. I want another one. I like goals. I like matt clay. I like the ball. GOAALLL. Someone did set me up but I can’t remember. High fives. I like high fives.

3-0

The match continued to ebb and flow, occasionally interrupted due to opposing hissy fits and swinging of sticks. Oven came on - good to see the bloke (even though he wears shoes in the shower).

Chris Walsh: Ball Ball Ball Ball. I go’ i’ in! Da’s twlevety!! I never score twelvety before!

4-0 and an absolute belter by Cambridge’s own version of Frank Lampard! We salute you on your 101^st gap, sir.

Minutes later, Dom was able to get the wrong side of the tiring defence and slot the ball home from an awkward angle.

5-0

Before the match could end, there was still time for one more delight. The ball was spilled to NBM a yard from goal (10cm was argued by some) and time stood still. Shades of Jonny Wilkinson sealing England's World Cup glory were reminiscent in his next moments although they were merged with the narration of Rory McGrath on the “Own Goals and Gaffs” sequel, “More Own Goals and Gaffs”, as the ball careered not only over the gaping goal, but also out of the pitch.

A good display by the South team with a substantiated attacking threat and a solid defensive performance.

At the end of the match, three cheers for each side were had and South headed back to the changing room where NBM continued to do some pretty odd things and Oven brought a pair of shower shoes…to the shower.

Teas were deemed a success by all even after the, “They aren’t onion rings; they’re calamari. But it’s already in my mouth! Ahhhh” debacle. Seconds were had by most, led by Toby to the table. The chips were seen as the greatest element of the meal although a couple of the opposition did seem to prefer to have their chips elsewhere.

Three more points, a clean sheet and “The greatest day of my hockey career.” (C.Walsh, 2017 via WhatsApp).