Before sitting down to write this report, I spent a little while Googling in an absent-minded fashion.

Centre-back

The job of the centre-back is to stop opposing players, particularly the strikers, from scoring, and to bring the ball out from their penalty area. As their name suggests, they play in a central position. Most teams employ two centre-backs, stationed in front of the goalkeeper. There are two main defensive strategies used by centre-backs: the zonal defence, where each centre-back covers a specific area of the pitch, and man-to-man marking, where each centre-back has the job of covering a particular opposition player. Centre-backs are often tall, strong and have a good tackling ability. Successful centre-backs also need to be able to concentrate, read the game well, and be brave and decisive in making last-ditch tackles on attacking players who might otherwise be through on goal. Sometimes, particularly in lower leagues, centre-backs concentrate less on ball control and passing, preferring simply to clear the ball in a "safety-first" fashion. However, there is a long tradition of centre-backs having more than just rudimentary footballing skill, enabling a more possession-oriented playing style.

Centre-backs will usually go forward for set piece corners and free-kicks. Once the set piece is complete, they will retreat to their own half.

Let us return to the matter at hand.

Three wins on the spin had given the M2s’ machine (a thoroughly steampunk affair, all screeching flanges and wheezing nuts) some impetus, even if it hadn’t necessarily thrust us up the table. Saturday’s game saw the welcome return of local rivals Cambridge Nomads to Long Road. They were as happy as us that earlier matches had overrun and so our 4.30pm game was actually a 4.50pm game. Coupled with the cold showers that were to follow and the pizzas that almost failed to arrive, we were almost in danger of going the full John Beck.

We had assembled a decent looking squad, but you don’t get any points for being handsome and so we immediately focused on the game.

It was clear from the very start that Barney had spent Friday evening in spirited company and so it seemed sensible to attack mainly down the opposite side of the pitch. We managed this for a relatively even first twenty minutes, until disaster struck. There seemed no danger when Douglas the Rugless played a pass across to Annsy. Anns read the game. He was brave and decisive, and promptly rolled the ball to Nomads’ centre forward. Mayhem ensued but I had no doubt Tom could clear up this danger. He duly booted the ball off the line with casual authority. A penalty stroke. One-nil.

We weren’t following the script. This called for some leadership. I went Sotto Voce. No-one listened, of course, but it helped me feel relevant.

Chalky (the good one) chatted about Great Diags.

All we needed was one goal and then the other would surely follow.

Heavens above - we scored and a second followed shortly thereafter, as forecast. Jack Chalk (the other one). Double tap. Have some of that.

Cue the rearguard action. Teeth were gritted. Barricades were manned. The big fish were hooked.

And then it was over. Good Chalky was lapping it up on the sidelines and Anns Snr was trying his best to console/educate his little soldier. Three points. Next.