This is my first match report since joining CSHC and I’m under strict instructions not to use foul language or be rude about the opposition or umpires. Well for those that have played with me, you will know that I never have a bad word to say about umpires so that’s fine. Actually, while we are on the subject of umpires, I’d like to thank Steve for coming out in the bloody cold to be our umpire. Top lad.

My Saturday started with waking up in Southend, with possibly one of the worst hangovers I’ve ever had, after seeing The Darkness, a great band that I would strongly recommend you catch on their come-back tour. I soon realised that I had lost the frost gamble, when I eagerly checked WhatsApp to see the four words that everyone who has done a frost gamble hates to see: “The match is on”.

After a painful drive and a cheeky Maccies, it was time for hockey. We turned up to find that the 1s had stolen a player back. Bugger! We warmed up. NBM wasn’t there, so the weird changing stuff was kept to a minimum. Everyone was saying, 'They’ll hit us hard in the first five, so let’s be ready and hit them back.'

So the match started and as predicted, they did hit us hard. Short Corner. St Ives 1 CS M2s 0. Oh dear. We did some hockey, there was some build-up play, some idiot nearly took Manny’s head with what he described as a reverse pass. Another short corner. St Ives 2 CS M2s 0. Well damn. Now is probably a good time to tell you, the reader, that I don’t really remember much of the match so I might be chatting complete nonsense but I’ll go on. I think another short happened, or it might have been a break, but St Ives 3 CS M2s 0. This wasn’t a fair representation of how we were playing. With Max in his newfound position of right back our defence looked very strong, just some unfortunate short corners. As the first half was coming to a close there was a glimmer of hope for South, when Polge gained a p-flick. Coops puffed up his chest, strutted forward to the p-spot and put it right where every keeper dreads p-flicks going: right down the middle at chest height. St Ives 3 CS M2s 0. Half time.

The second half started and we looked good: nice passing, better hockey, we looked strong. Great build up play from Walshy, Kenzie and Menzies in the middle. There were lots of pivots with the centre backs, then all this build-up play paid off. Boom, a goal! St Ives 3 CS M2s 1. Ali scored what I’m told was a goal. I can’t comment on the goal as I didn’t see it, I was talking to who I think were Max’s family on the sideline. They are lovely people. Then another break saw Ali get the ball at top D, roll out and lose the defender, then slot it under the keeper. St Ives 3 CS M2s 2. Ali was having a field day, not only had he scored two but he also managed to get the keeper to injure the defender he rinsed. Brilliant! The second half went on. Coops made some runs. He played pretty much every position on the pitch. Everyone put in a good shift and played well. Unfortunately in the closing minutes Saints got another short. St Ives 4 CS M2s 2. Final whistle, oh well it happens, but we have the Christmas party to look forward to.

Just as a quick warning to those attending the Christmas Party - don’t ask Dougy about the contactless card reader; you’ll lose half your evening.