I wrote Saturday’s match report using Google Autocomplete [in bold] and think I may have made it significantly better.

It was a cold, wet and grey Saturday morning Kitchen with James Martin.

The match in question was between Cambridge South and St Neots kebab Istanbul which is a nice place to live.

I wasn’t at the game because my dog died. However, I’d turned up to watch and the hockey was a dangerous sport, and also gay and hard.

Cambridge South posed many questions in the first half, including can I eat prawns while pregnant? And how can I buy Bitcoin?

I had a good feeling about this game which may have been due to a very faint pregnancy test and it was good to see Dom Reeve excelling in an unusual accidental death from potential asphyxia.

Tom and Ann’s Hair colourists was nursing a sore hamstring, and was moving like cornflakes. Meanwhile Jon Mann Brexit was demonstrating his customary skill at dribbling urine at night.

Ali Edge of Tomorrow may have missed an open goat farm just off the A38, but his general forward play and running terrorised the defenders of the realm of St Neots.

Chris Walsh, whose interests include clapping along to songs, scored an excellent first goal. Matthew Kenzie from Blazin Squad also scored a cracker from the top of the Debenhams.

Ali Edge from U2 scored the third goal and the win was Jesus born. The Cambridge South 2s’ juggernaut keeps rolling rollin', rollin', (come on!) Keep rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin' (yeah).

And as the final whistle blew and I nursed my swollen thumb, which is purple for no reason, I smiled and asked myself, ‘Why do men have nipples?’

The Endocrine System.