September, the start of another season. After the long summer break, the eagerness with which South’s 3rd XI greeted the opportunity for seventy minutes of lung-bursting effort could be gauged by the size of the turnout for the game. We duly travelled down to BiSto with nine players.

Fortunately, the prospect of a taxing day becoming a bankruptcy-and-fire-sale occasion was slightly alleviated by a couple of double-ups from the preceding M4s game. Seb and New James, after a quick swig from their water bottles, returned to the fray to make up the numbers. Meanwhile, at the other end of the pitch BiSto were looking worryingly youthful (mostly) and numerous (definitely).

The game itself quickly settled into a pattern: surging runs and dribbles from Stortford’s rotating cast of nippy midfielders while South tried to break up play and release players on the break. An early set-back came as New James succumbed to cramp and, after some ostentatious rolling about, had to hobble off the pitch. John Gourd was then made to regret hanging around to watch the start of our game rather than heading quickly for the showers after his own, as he was dragooned back on to the pitch as an emergency left back.

In amongst all this disruption, the home side took the lead when South were slow to clear their lines from an attack, allowing a BiSto forward to pick his spot and flick a lifted ball between the defenders and against the backboard. Playing our familiar 2-3-2-3 formation but with some unfamiliar faces in unfamiliar positions, fluency was notably lacking but South rallied and toiled to get a foot in the game.

Phew, was it this warm when we started? How long until half time? Twenty-five minutes?! Oh God…

Thanks to some hard graft from Matt, Seb and Belgian Alex in midfield, with resilient defending from Ash and Neil supported by Pash and John, the score remained unchanged as the half wore on. Joe was doing well holding play up front, everything sticking to him as Oli and Dan tried to get behind the BiSto defence from their wide positions, succeeding in winning a few shorts which went sadly unconverted.

Having nearly reached the sanctuary of the interval and a nice sit down, South conceded a second shortly before the break, Pash showing impressive reactions to deflect a shot that was heading wide into the South goal. To the great dismay of all, there were no half time sweets but John did get a nosh of Seb’s banana - another of several lemony events this week.

The second half followed a similar pattern to the first but South’s fading legs gradually saw the play drop deeper and more holes open up in the visitors’ formation. By the final quarter, South’s midfield had dropped into defence for a breather, while the defence went up to cover midfield. Seb and Pash swapped places, both apparently believing the other’s position looked like offering a rest. Afterwards both seemed happy with their choice, which probably more reflects a general wilting across the team as the game drew towards its close.

Needless to say, none of this was helping our tactical cohesion, and nor was Belgian Alex thinking he was playing with someone called Rob for most of the game. BiSto benefitted from all of this to add three more goals to give a gloss to the final scoreline.

The sense of pre-season unpreparedness carried over to the changing rooms after the game, where Pash realised he’d forgotten to bring a pair of pants to change into. Fortunately, an inspection of his kit bag revealed a pair buried at the bottom from last season - after a few whacks with his astro boots to loosen them up, those would do.

Match teas were across town at the cricket pavilion, where George’s illegal parking had him haring off to move his car after the oppo warned him about the zealous local enforcement. Meanwhile, captain Kern parked his kids at a table and then wandered off to bag a spot on a stool at the bar. The foot-long frankfurters in a bun with chips clearly weren’t enough for Oli, who had to buy an extra cheeseburger. How New James ended up with the Lemon for cramp remains a mystery - we can only assume the multiplicity of other contenders split the vote.

Other things we learned this week: Dan used to be a professional cyclist and mine coal in Mongolia (at the same time?); Belgian Alex used to unblock false teeth from sinks (in Belgium?); Pash thinks Sheffield is posh; Matt will be holding open auditions for M3s' vice-captain; and New James's record for the club reads played 1, MoM 1, Lemon 1.

Next Saturday we welcome Bury St Edmunds 3s before the league season commences the following weekend: two weeks for some intensive fitness training and player recruitment, then.