Alex Pashley tells defamation trial post-match voting made him look like a ‘criminal’
Player-of-the-season-winning CSHC player says outcome of vote left him feeling “Sick… A total stitch-up.”

The Cambridge South Men’s Third XI player, Alex Pashley, has told a defamation trial that he was made to look like a “criminal” by the outcome of a post-match vote following the team’s defeat to Bourne Deeping Threes on Saturday, 24 November.

Pashley appeared on the first day of his seven-day court case against Cambridge’s Men’s Third XI, saying the accusations had sent him into a “tumultuous spiral of despair.”

“It’s been the worst fourteen and a half hours of my life,” he said.

“This [voting] was unjustified and baseless. It’s impossible to understand what their motives were. It’s incredible what an accusation like this can do you, as a person… It really has done irreparable damage.”

The former player-of-the-season holder for the Men’s Fourth XI is perhaps the eighth best-known player of the current Men’s Third XI. He is presently suing the Third XI over a series of votes made at the end of their meeting with the Bourne Deeping Men’s Third XI where, in a hotly contested Lemon-of-the-Match award, it was claimed that Pashley had made “prolonged and malicious eye contact…with Nevin Warren’s genitalia and buttocks,” alleged to have taken place post-match in the changing area.

Pashley claims the votes defamed him, portraying him as a “pervert” and a “predator”.

For some observers, the original charges moved the spotlight away from the disappointing performance of the Men’s Third XI against Bourne Deeping, which ended 2-1 to the home team. Whilst lively to begin with and with promising moves which pulled South back from a one-goal deficit, an early second-half goal by Bourne Deeping proved crucial in sealing the three points, leaving South adrift in the league and the team in a fractious state.

In his opening statement, Pashley’s barrister, Neil Sneade, said, “I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’m an intellectual property lawyer.”

The crucial Lemon vote that spawned the defamation trial was mired in controversy, with no clear outcome until the critical final vote was cast. Before this point, the vote had been deadlocked between Ashvin Dookun, Nevin Warren, and Pashley, for charges of hangover, hotboxing and leering, respectively. The Man-of-the-Match vote was more decisive for Mike Gillingham, whose excellent performance in goal was duly rewarded.

Joe Whittaker, one of the scorers on the day, commented, “Enough about my amazing drag-flicked worldie [sic]… You could see it in his eyes. [Pashley] was practically licking his lips. We shouldn’t stand for it, and [the vote] has shown that.”

Matt Kern, another witness, was more pragmatic but similarly damning in his response. “Fair enough, he’s sat at eye-level, but we all know where we should be looking when Nevvie [sic] drops his shorts. I expected better from [Pashley].” When asked about his vote, Kern dissembled. “Doesn’t matter what I think, does it? It’s all down to the vote. He’s peered through the looking glass and now he’s got to write that match report.”

Ali Edge, also in attendance, took a different view of the day. “To be honest I think it’s a non-issue; this [vote] should have gone another way.” In a perhaps telling hint as to his own voting preference, Edge added, “This was nothing compared to my experience on the journey: trapped with two chain-smoking reprobates in a car travelling at a mere 46 miles an hour… The journey was only meant to take an hour.” Edge coughed, adding, “I’ve probably got emphysema now. They’ll be hearing from my lawyer shortly.”

An anonymous commenter known to be familiar with the matter said, “Sounds drummed up to me… I’m surprised [Pashley] could even see anything.” When pushed to clarify whether they were referring to poor visibility due to steam, the commenter replied, “Oh. Yeah. The steam. Sure, that’s what I meant.”

Earlier the court heard that the relationship between Pashley and Warren, known to be the subject of the accusations, was “professional” and “cordial”. WhatsApp conversations disclosed after the incident revealed Warren’s feelings: “You’re only human, Pash.”

Following the first day of the hearing an angry woman with an unclear connection to the incident, who refused to give her name, remarked, “This trial’s a distraction. The real issue’s that Sneade fella,” reciting an oft-mentioned theory in conspiracist circles. “Hockey socks and team dugouts? Why are they focusing on this? They should be following the money!” The visibly agitated woman left hurriedly before further details could be elaborated. Her identity remains unclear.

Despite the clear split opinion surrounding the circumstances of the vote and within the wider club, Pashley affirmed his desire to clear his name. “I maintain I’ve done nothing wrong. The whole thing was motivated out of malice and frustration, that we lost to a team we could have beat [sic]. It’s just gossip, pure and simple. They’ll see”.

“To add insult to injury, they didn’t even serve chicken goujons at the teas.”

The trial continues.