Right now, hockey really doesn’t matter, but maybe that’s why it does…

Tom Anns

The M2s have had a superb season- the best in the team’s history and the team has been going from strength to strength, building game-by-game into a force to be reckoned with in the division in which they have only just been promoted into. With two games until the end of the season, and Peterborough and Uni already promoted, the battle was for third place- a goal which every M2s player was gunning for!

With City Vets in our sites, we were raring to go, knowing that we could then turn our attention to Ely 1s who were propping up the bottom of the table. Nothing could stop us. Apart from it seems, an unprecedented, international pandemic…

The M2s have been developing our game throughout this season and that is something that will now go beyond the astro, expanding into a worldwide field of play where the opposition is no longer a gnarly centre back from the Fens or a flighty (and usually upsettingly fit and attractive) forward from Cambs Uni, as we now all have a common enemy. Just as we would on the pitch, and have done all season, we will all defend valiantly, as a unit, not allowing the opposition to break through. We will move forward, working together, ensuring that whenever a team mate needs support, we are there. And when the opportunity presents itself, we will strike and come out as victors in the end, no matter what we are up against. But, as we have said all year, we will need to be patient and stick to the game plan. It has stood us in good stead during the season, and we will do our best to let it help us now.

It is at times like this that really put things like sport, the hockey season and even the world renowned Division 3NW into perspective. But that is maybe why these things are also so important. That feeling of excitement and nervousness that you get when you wake up on a Saturday morning- matchday, that stench of deep heat in the changing room, that joy of being at training until 9.30 (okay, maybe not that part), that focus of all of your energy into the match- it is these things that are also why it is so important. In our weekly hockey, we are able, for a few hours, to set aside out worries and stresses and focus them into the game and that is why it is still so important (even though we know it’s isn’t…). So let’s talk about it, moan about it, celebrate it and laugh about it as for now…

Not a shower goes by without the disappointment that Tom Marchant isn’t there to offer me a mint.

Not a movement is made without the pause to wait for James Browne to analyse how it should’ve been done further up the field and showing it between two hockey sticks.

Not a deadline or meet time is met without the assumption that a man called Shin will turn up an hour or two later.

Not a sporting moment is thought of without the image of a greying middle class man wearing a woollen jumper isn’t there asking for a one-two.

Not a facist dictator is thought of without a glance over the should to check that Chris Walsh isn’t there to threaten you with a pint of vodka for not doing up your laces quick enough.

So, the moment that you’ve all been waiting for: the season in stats (the majority of which are actually based on facts):

League position: 4th
Goals for position: 4th (66)
Goals against position: 3rd (43)
Most appearances: 1st Tom Anns-  20, 2nd Nik Patel/Tom Marchant/Dom Reeve- 18
Most goals: 1st Shin Kim/Ash Artaman/Jack Chalk/Tom Blair- 8, 5th James Browne- 7
Most man of the matches: 1st Pete Richer- 3, 2nd James Menzies/Ash Artaman/James Browne/Matt Puddefoot- 2
Most lemons: 1st Tom Anns- 4, 2nd Dom Reeve-3, 3rd Shin Kim (there are calls from Ofcom that not all votes were uploaded to the website in the early season…)/Mariano Rosenvaig- 2
Most tables booked for the team/club: 1st Shin Kim- ∞, 2nd Chris Walsh- 1
Most letters in their surname: 1st Panos- ∞, 2nd Mike Gillingham/Matt Saint-Gower/Mariano Rosenvaig- 10
Largest input into the fast food industry: Shin Kim
Best day out: Dom Reeve (went to the set of Downton Abbey)
Best new experience of the season: Shower mints (thank you Tom Marchant)
Best teas: Leadenham
Fastest human: Herb Mudzamiri
Most needless toplessness: James Menzies
Best topless: Nik Patel
Most interesting haircut: Pete Richer (the classic half and half)
Best needless use of a headband: Bhav Virdi
Worst needless use of a headband: Bhav Virdi
Best goal: 1st Chris Walsh (pick and volley for the first goal versus St Neots at home), 2nd Tom Anns (the best goals are scored in the mind and it appeared in the paper without actually happening on the pitch so it must’ve been good)
Highest robot to human ratio: Matt Puddefoot
Scariest: Daz
Most likely to break a wall with his head: Daz
Most likely to fight a lamppost and win: Daz
Best bodyguard: Daz
Hardest man: Daz
Number of emails sent during the season by the captain: 0
Most sought after for a beer but has never come to fruition: David Bagnall/Ash Artaman
Least likely to be able to organise a couple of beers while in a pub: Shin Kim
Least showers: Tom Blair
Best in shower: Mariano Rosenvaig
Largest difference between actual age and the age they believe they are: James Menzies
Best at Latin: David Bagnall/Ash Artaman/James Menzies
No concept of what Latin is: Chris Walsh
Most likely to own a lot of cats: Dom Reeve
Statistically best bloke: Paresh Parsot/David Bagnall

With all the accolades and successes that we have championed at our hallowed Long Road fortress, it is fair to say that we have always, and especially now, been overlooked by the real men/women of the match- the NHS workers in the buildings that surround us. We thank you all.

We wish that we can all come through this as best we can. On the pitch, we all have our roles and skills sets, just as we do off it, so as a team and individuals, we offer our support to those that need it. For now, we are all lined up together, side-by-side. Come September, the M2s will be on the pitch again, battling with our rivals- who better watch out because next year, third or fourth won’t be good enough. Promotion 2020/21- the M2s are coming for you!


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