A number of exciting opportunities have arisen within the Cambridge South Hockey Club, specifically within the M4 team. There are a number of roles available, with the right wing back position looking a likely contender for imminent replacement. The location is varied, with individuals spending half their time at our Cambridge base at Long Road Sixth Form college, and half off-site, at locations including Kettering, Wisbech, and Spalding.

 

About the Role

The role is associated with a number of responsibilities and is varied in nature, for which training is provided, assuming you turn up. These could include:

• Holding a hockey stick, and possibly using it to craft passages of play

• Running around, particularly up and down the wings with feigned purpose

• Being fouled by big lads, which could include members of your own team

• Writing match reports, especially following heinous and/or ridiculous conduct pre-, peri-, or post-match

• Transporting other players to jewels in the crown of the East of England and Midlands, via motorways voted “most anonymous in Britain”, as well as flooded B-roads in the Fens at an average speed of ~20 mph

 

About You

The ideal candidate will thrive in a medium-paced environment, and might even be decent at playing hockey, assuming Rob hasn’t heard of you and attempted a smear campaign. Requirements for the role include:

• Familiarity with some of the rules laid out by England Hockey

• A first name beginning with “J”, or ideally duplicating another in the squad roster; those named “Matt” or “Tom” are strongly encouraged to apply

• Ability to plan and prioritise your own time and communicate this to others, such as turning up to the rendezvous on time, rather than 30 minutes-post

• Ability to not maim other teammates with the ball and/or stick

• Proficiency in triangles

• Excellent technical acumen, such as being able to memorise and understand short corner routines 1, 2, 3, 3(a) part I, 3(a) part 1 annex 3, et cetera

• Excellent verbal communication skills, specifically “chat”, not back-chatting umpires, and avoiding saying anything controversial and/or obscene prior to “Lemon of the Match” voting

• Excellent written communication skills, for when your skill or verbal communication skills fail you, requiring you to write the post-match report

 

What We Offer

We offer a competitive starting package, including hockey, the opportunity to consume post-match pizza (Cambridge) or uncooked potato (elsewhere), expensive socks, unwashed 3XL away shirts as standard, and approximately 5 months’ holiday per annum, between April and September. We also have club-level public liability insurance, which doesn’t cover what you think it does.

 

Testimonials

Below are some testimonials from current and former players in the M4s to give prospective candidates a flavour of playing for the team, and the atmosphere to expect:

 

The M4s are great. I score at least six goals every game. You don’t need to look that statistic up

-Joe W

 

The M4s have always been very welcoming. They let me talk openly about faeces, and I’ve only been decapitated once this season

-Jim H

 

I love purple

-George T

 

I’m mad about crops such as sugar beet and turnips, so relish the opportunity to travel five hours to visit scenic places like Long Sutton

-Alex P

 

Can I interest you in a furnished shipping container? Cash only

-Jason J

 

He might do a job for you but I wouldn't call him up permanently 

-Rob

 

I changed my name to “Jev” by deed poll and I still got dropped

-Anon

 

Case Study

The Cambridge South M4s recently travelled to face Kettering Hockey Club’s M3 team, to increase league positioning.

 

Challenges and considerations:

• Only one substitute with instructions “sub when someone looks ragged”

• A pitch consisting of approximately 30% astroturf and 70% sand

• An opposition of equal parts big, slow men and small, speedy children

 

Cambridge South M4s’ Approach:

• Almost exclusively left-sided wing-back play

• Shunting the ball to Joe W and Tom S

• A mix of expansive and hospital passing

 

Result

• A well-fought, 3-3 draw, with goals from Joe W (2) and newcomer Josh S (1)

• Player of the Match awarded to Matt N, for a last-gasp short goal-line save, applying his characteristic malice in getting a goal disallowed, and Braveheart-esque chest-beating on the final whistle

• Lemon of the Match awarded to Alex P, for entering a fugue state, mistaking the lines on the pitch for Squid Game, and attempting to remove Jim H’s head with the hockey ball to gain a tactical advantage [Editor’s note: I blame Netflix]