Enough lemons to make a meringue pie

Matt Need

I have done my best to sequentially include the many ridiculous events that transpired between 12:00PM and 15:00PM on Saturday 12th February, however, for an itemised list, please see the awards section.

An intrepid bunch of 4th XI hockey players ventured further North than we have ever gone before in search of another league win. In total we had a strong squad of 13, plus, superfan Emily, cheering on from the side-lines. A quick count made me realise that we were without two squad members during the warm-up, until the Groves were seen chilling in the car-park watching us open the gate. After collecting our 12th and 13th squad members we began and Spalding started off well, moving the ball quickly and attacking well. On realising his fitness was not up to par today, Captain Need took the selfless (others saw it differently) move to swap Jimmy into midfield and pop himself up-front for the remainder of the game. During this transition, the 4s pulled off one of the slicker goals of the year. I imagine a commentator would have described it like so.

“Need tackles and clears downfield, and what a run by Waddell, he has steamed past the defender to fetch that one, and wait, look Grove junior is in support, he collects the ball, jukes a player and finds Whittaker at the top of the D. The shot’s on, no, he slips left to Russell. Russell charges the baseline and look there is Need steaming in. Russell finds him and GOALLLLLLLL – 1-0 South’.

We quickly score a second from a short corner. Joe forces a strong save from the keeper but the ball conveniently rebounds to Need who puts it in the bottom corner. 2-0 South.

The rest of the first half continues in a similar vain with South creating numerous chances but the finishing left a little to be desired. Firstly, Joe decides to attempt a field goal rather than an on-target shot, successfully putting the ball into the cemetery behind the pitch. Shortly afterward Joe finds Owen on the P Spot, only to realise that Owen has an apparent hole in his stick. The final 7 minutes of the half are a bit of a mystery as I decided to retrieve my water from the car. Apparently, an issue occurred as captains were called in by the umpire, only for people to realise my absence at an inopportune time.

Shortly before half-time, Martin had the ball on his own 25, and with seconds to play until half-time felt it was an opportune time to try out a few skills. The Spalding forward however read the play well, put in the tackle and started driving toward Ben in goal. Martin lunged back and stopped the player at the top of the D. Was it clean? Is it a yellow? Is it a short? Nope, Martin timed his escapade perfectly and half-time was swiftly called. 2-0 South.

The second half begins and more entertaining instances occur amongst a fluid back and forth game of hockey. Spalding start well and earn a short corner when the ball strikes a South foot in the D. Despite this being as clear as you like, 4s stalwart John Gourd decides to argue this decision to much humour. The ball quickly traverses the pitch for the ball to be struck into Tom Groves knee. Deciding he wants to take a breather, he subs himself off whilst he and Hemal search far and wide for an ice pack. After giving midfield another go, I sub myself off leaving our midfield duo as our starting left back and starting left wing. Both Jimmy and Pash did an outstanding job and keeping our shape alongside Matt Kern.

The back and forth affair continues with a Spalding shot being put on target. Ben bravely lets the ball past the post giving every South player a heart in mouth moment as he successfully pulls off the risky manoeuvre. More south attacks result in more near misses, and Spalding attacks are successfully kept out. Feeling the need to put the game to bed, Jimmy goes on a trademark charging run past the half way line and pulls up short. Fearing the worst, Jimmy punches the ground in frustration, thinking his season was over. At this point, an ice pack comes rushing over from the Spalding sideline, making everyone wonder what Tom and Hemal were doing earlier. Jimmy stands up to realise that the initial injury was not as bad as he had feared, but he had instead left Spalding with a fractured hand. [Ed - facepalm] Sensing an opportunity to flex his muscles in a game where playing out of position had become a regular occurrence, Danny charges forward to play on the wing to finish the game with a flourish. Luckily, the umpire blows the final whistle to alleviate any suffering on Danny’s part.

Final score 2-0. Thank you to Spalding for providing a great opposition, two good umpires and a tough battle!

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79
Matt Need
Player of the Match

Two good finishes. (Other played better but goal-scoring tends to sway a player of the match vote)

79
Matt Need
Lemon of the Match

Numerous reasons. Leaving the game half-way through to collect liquid from the car. Not refreshing the teams ice pack supplies. Hat-trick avoidance. Playing himself out of position due to a 'lack of fitness'. Taking a LFT test after the game to realise that the lack of fitness was actually the first symptom of Covid-19.

Ben Lye
Lemon of the Match

For riskily letting a ball fly past his post causing a heart-in-mouth moment

John Gourd
Lemon of the Match

For debating a clear-cut short corner decision

75
Martin Grove
Lemon of the Match

For observing the warm-up from the car and for misadventures on the 25.

149
Danny McCree
Lemon of the Match

For charging forward to play winger after injuries leave us out of position.

Alex Pashley
Lemon of the Match

For being confused by the subbing rotations and endless position swapping.

Matt Kern
Lemon of the Match

For being the one of two players to not do anything to warrant being Lemon.

145
Hemal Maisuria
Lemon of the Match

For failing to locate an ice pack

60
Thomas Grove
Lemon of the Match

For putting his knee between the ball and the player aiming for a couple minutes of extra rest.

Jimmy Wood
Lemon of the Match

For angrily punching the ground, only to realise his injury was less severe than first realised.

Owen Russell
Lemon of the Match

For playing with a hole in his stick

Joe Whittaker
Lemon of the Match

For emulating a chip-shot field goal in honour of Super-bowl weekend.

Andy Waddell
Lemon of the Match

For being the one of two players to not do anything to warrant being Lemon.

Emily Stevenson
Lemon of the Match

For leaving her water bottle in Spalding

Laurie Haslop
Lemon of the Match

For staying at home with the dogs instead of venturing to Lincolnshire to 'give his ankle a go'