Having just stumbled out of The Regal at just gone midnight, I swiftly jumped in a taxi and headed home. I couldn’t hack the sesh any more at this point, even though in weeks gone by, I’ve berated the lads for not joining me in Lola’s. 

 

‘What a wild night!’, I exclaimed to the Taxi driver, as we hurtled back to my countryside village. I couldn’t help but ask ‘By any chance, do you know where I could get hold of a KALLAX shelving unit instruction manual? I seem to have misplaced mine this morning’. Before the taxi driver could respond, I was drifting off in the back seat, dreaming of the great fun I had today…

 

It all started with my DIY nightmare! This was definitely the low point of my day. I couldn’t quite figure out how to piece a simple shelving unit together and make sure it was level, so I had to inform Sam that I would be 15 minutes late to the meet time for our game today. 

 

However, I thought that others could also turn up around that time, meaning my lateness would not be of enough significance to get lots of attention. 

So, to ensure I got to tell the lads that I was being manly and building a shelving unit, I decided to show up 40 minutes late to the meet time. This made sure that everyone would ask why I was late and also to build some anticipation of my arrival - I want everyone to be wondering where I am...

 

With my tightest slim fit tapered traccies on, I gently jogged over to the pitch side to join the warm up. I was so happy to see the relief on people’s faces when I showed up. 

 

Today we were playing Cambridge City. I was so pumped up for this game. Last year, we ended with a 0-0 draw and 0-1 loss to this team - boring and sensible hockey…just my style! 

 

The match was underway and we were pressing frantically. I was a little overstimulated by this aggressive style of play and free flowing attacking hockey, but I finally mustered the courage to sub myself on and join the fray.

 

I saw Will Townley, my favourite man, score a lovely flick into the net on 10 minutes to get the south scoring spree underway - what a delightful goal for a delightful man! 

 

Now comes the best bit. 

My first goal was a thing of beauty. After a sweeping move, the ball fell to me in the D and I tucked it under the keeper with such prowess. I couldn’t quite believe it, I’d scored an open play goal! ‘One more open play goal to tell the lads about in the pub later whilst we review our stats!’ I thought to myself, as I slowly made my way back to the halfway line at full sprint. 

 

After a delicious goal from the Spanish Stallion Oscar, we were running away with it! I’d hadn’t seen so many goals in such a short space of time since my infamous brace at Bury last year. I couldn’t help but dream of the feeling of scoring 2 whole goals in a game again, so doubled down my efforts and made it my mission to show how much of a lethal goal scoring predator I am in the D. 

 

My moment came. 

 

After a quickly taken long corner by Scott, Alex Jones decided that he would actually do something other than just turning up for a match every 3 weeks, and played a lovely first time ball into the D. My goal senses were tingling. 

Tim flashed a first time hit towards goal, and who was there on the P spot to deflect the ball in with precision? Me, of course. Nat would have been so proud of me. I could not wait to tell him about it at the M1 curry later. 

 

2 goals! ‘Surely the day couldn’t get any better now?’ I thought. How right I was… 

 

We were still in the offensive, but Mr Townley was about to ruin my day. 

I played a fizzing ball into Oscar and somehow he got the ball under the keeper and it was surely rolling over the line. Not to be outdone by my superior goal scoring form, Will rushed in and pushed the ball over the line to steal Oscars goal (we later find that Will did in fact steal Oscar’s Hattrick goal). 

 

‘What a snake!’ I thought to myself… ‘Will stole that assist off me!’

Infuriated, we headed back to the halfway line for the the fifth time in the game. 

 

My day got worse. Oscar slotted from an impossibly tight angle to score his second after a through ball from Tim that was so far in front of Oscar, he had to sprint really quickly. He was so fast, even I would be proud of the pace he showed. However this meant another player on a brace… nightmare! I wanted to be scoring the most goals from open play this match! 

 

To top it off, my arch goal scoring midfield nemesis Sam got on the scoresheet from a well executed press. This time it wasn’t off his stick handle from a short corner, but a clean hit from the top of the D. Begrudgingly, I congratulated him on his goal. 

 

We were 7-0 up at half time, not a score line you see every week at the 35 minute mark. 

 

In the second half, I decided that Hattrick avoidance was the best course of action. 

 

Fewer goals came in this half. Much more sensible. 

 

Tim scored the first of the second half after winning the ball high on the press, beating a man and slotting home on the reverse. I was so proud, because he must have learned that from me. One thing you can’t learn is how to obtain small areola, and I’ve still got the smallest. 

 

The second south goal in this half came courtesy of an unreal pick by Alex jones, who beat a man and passed to Harry L, who  unselfishly pulled it square around the keeper to Schu, who took 2 touches and almost lost his composure. I would have rifled that into the roof of the net first time, but it still went in, so congrats to Schu for joining the open play goal club today. 

 

It was my turn. 

I received the ball on the right knuckle, rinsed 3 defenders with my supremely quick hands and at this point my eyes lit up! With only the keeper to beat and most of the goal at the mercy of my monstrous hit, I timidly pushed the ball to the keeper multiple times before the ball was batted away. Not my most proud moment, but it meant that I had at least some reason to be humble about my performance later. 
I did also miss a complete sitter on the back post, I should have been there for the deflection, but I didn't want anyone else to get more assists than me too, so I left that one alone. 

 

I told Will T later in conversation that ‘I’m still learning the position, but I’ve got more goals than strikers that have been up there for a while’. I need to keep pushing the competitive nature of the team and ensuring that I don’t run away with the open play goal scoring record. That would demoralise my teammates. 
 

Towards the back end of the second half, I absolutely saw red!
One of the oppo gave me a little tap in the back. I couldn't control myself after that, in all honestly.  

To assert my dominance, I quickly retaliated -  pushed him back and squared up to make sure that he felt the presence of my gym gains. The umpire didn't like that, and I soon was spending 2 minutes on the side of the pitch watching others squirm some golden opportunities to notch up double figures. 

Upon my return, I did a little more showboating with some attempted reverse traps along the sideline - non were successful, but got a split second, I felt like Callum Middleton! 
I watched City score 2 short corners at the end and rejoiced at the final whistle.
Beer time! 

 

At the clubhouse, I was so glad that Connor got Lemon of the match, he tried to smear me so badly in the changing room! ‘That backfired!’, I proudly exclaimed, as Connor collected the votes for his LOM. 

Luckily, the lads understood that building shelves is a thankless task, not least that it must be done just an hour before a hockey meet time, and didn’t vote too many times for me. Much appreciated lads, I couldn’t face another Lemon this year. 

Annoyingly, Oscar got MoM for this 2 open play goals. Quite frankly, I couldn’t believe it! I scored 2 open play goals and hardly got a vote! I must celebrate a little less robotically next time to make sure I get the attention that my open play goals deserve. 

 

Now the night out begins. 

 

After teas, I shared my live location. With all the great comedic value I could muster up, I changed my WhatsApp icon to a beer and told the lads, ‘follow the beer to find out where we are!’. Great banter from me. I was thinking of that all day actually, and was so excited to have everyone follow me! After all, I’ve missed that feeling so much since Sam took over as captain. 

 

‘I must think of a way that I can make the night more about me…’, I conjured. 

 

I took a taxi with Sam, Oscar and Tim towards Mill road winter fair, to sip on some mulled wine, because after all , that’s what all the lads want to do before a night out! 

 

At The Rock pub, I had some delicious chips to stave off the hunger and pack in those calories. Will, the assist stealing snake, asked ‘Why are you eating chips before a curry chalky? You won’t be hungry’ 

‘It’s bulking season’ I quickly snapped back. I wanted to make him feel really bad for stealing my assist. 

 

I thought it was great fun to emulate James Menzies, my idol and comedic hero, and drink from two half pint glasses all night - I even got the other lads who scored braces  involved too (they must love my laddish banter on a night out). It made us stand out as the open play goal scorers. 

 

I couldn’t wait to tell James all about how I drank from 2 half pint glasses for 2 whole rounds throughout the whole night, he must think I’m such a great student of the drinking game. It took real steely, laddish grit to carry on that banter for about an hour or two. 

 

At this point, we did half season awards. The winners were: 

 

• Most injured: Cal ‘glass ankles’ Middleton
• Biggest diva: Joel Harrison 
• Best trainer: Will Townley (how did this happen? I did extra doggies at pre-season fitness!)
• Angriest man: Scott Catley (how Joel didn’t win, we’ll never know) 
• Most running: Will Townley (see above) 
• Best goal: Connor ‘Skilly’ Trimble 
• Most frugal player: Tom Rosselli ( I love his style of play so much) 
• Most creative: Oscar Serra 

 

I was so dejected about not picking up any of those awards, especially most creative player. That’s me to a T! So gutting! I was expecting a clean sweep in all honesty. 

 

I’m glad Connor took a sip of his pint before the start of the boat race - it was a great opportunity to divert all the attention away from the fact that I wasn’t drinking from two half pint glasses any more after my brace today. Great result! 

 

Fortunately, the other team had Tom Blair, so my slow pint slipped under the radar. It was so slow, I had time to recount the number of open play goals I have this season (which is a lot by the way). We won the boat race and I celebrated gracefully by being the only member of the my team to commiserate every single one of the opposition, whilst I smirked smugly in their faces. I showed great sportsmanship, but I hope that they got the undertones of my purposeful pettiness. It would have really annoyed them, because I was possibly the second slowest pint in the whole race. 

 

It was time for the curry. After the success of my speech about my beloved James Bailey last year, I knew I had to step my game up and get myself in the limelight again. This year I was so confident that the lads would love some trivia, that I wrote them a lovely quiz. 

 

I confidently gobbled down my chicken korma (I’m not much of a spice man, a tikka masala has me mopping my brow like I mop up open play goals), and proceeded to take centre stage. I had written a small quiz about Sam, aimed at embarrassing him, the squad losing their respect and hopefully reinstating me as the rightful captain. 

Anyway, I tested the lads on Sam’s Google reviews. I found it particularly funny that Sam had reviewed a Library as 1 star, without any reason. ‘It must not have had any books!’ I exclaimed. Everyone found that funny, haha. I loved that people approved of my comedy. Sam also reviewed Cambridge centre McDonalds as 3 stars, saying it was ‘Poorly run’. 

I disagree. McDonald’s is great, especially for a dirty bulk. 

There were no winners, scores and my other multiple choice answers weren’t prepared, but the lads love trivia and my comedy gold, so it went down well in my book. I can’t wait for next year’s speech!

 

Tim and Sam rounded the evening off with an absolutely average speech - I managed to lock eyes with Tim and ensured that he mentioned my open play goals for this half-season. 

 

We proceeded to the Emperor pub, where I was caught red handed trying to be extra cool and smuggle in a few brewdog tins into the pub. How else am I supposed to win Nat’s approval and stay in the team? 

I furiously boogied to the Latin tunes and made sure to give Oscar a hard time whenever Shakira came on. That never gets old!

 

Lastly, we rounded the night off at The Regal. As far as I remember, I enjoyed a few cheap pints of cask ale before heading off home. I was so done at this point… I can’t hack the sesh now that I’m an MDad.

 

…

 

I stirred to the sound of the taxi driver trying to wake me up from my pleasant dream. He had kindly offered to lend me his Ikea KALLAX shelving unit instruction manual! What a bloke! 

 

I stumbled through the door, ecstatic to get to work in my drunken state and resolve this DIY mess. Robyn wasn’t pleased, but I thought it was cool to finish building shelves after a night out, because it’s a great reason to be late for anything! In this case, very late to bed… way past my bedtime. 

 

As I write this, I’m looking at my shelving unit with pride. It may be that a few of the shelves are misaligned, and it’s a rather boring shade of beige, but it’s a perfect metaphor for my hockey. My style is built on beige, uninteresting hockey, but I will flourish into a useful utility player, with my sights firmly fixed on the ‘Most creative player’ at the end of season awards. The only difference is, shelves don’t score open play goals.