Despite her inability to tell the fruits apart, Sophie did not get lemon – I forgot my astros for not the first, but the second time this season, and subsequently dragged my exhausted younger sister out of bed to cycle them to me, so arguably I completely deserved the lemon hat.
In Feline’s words: “The best match to watch: all the sun and all the drama”. 
An entire traffic light of cards for the opposition: a green for deliberate obstruction; a yellow at the end of the match for continued dissent to an umpire, and a red (well, MMO) after the match. 
Although this match report could be written as a guide for families (the yellow and red [Ed - MMO] being distributed to two sisters), I thought a fruit-related match report may be more suitable, following on from Lucia’s banana-eating habit, and Sophie’s dislike of blueberries and tomatoes and jacket potatoes.

Sophie: Between not knowing that Canadian is not a language, and not knowing that a grape is not a blueberry and saying “I don’t know how blueberries grow” this feels appropriate. Sophie did an amazing 8km of running throughout the whole game, so perhaps a blueberry with legs.
Rhi: a banana for taking Izzy’s banana because “it has no spout”. But Rhi stood out like a bright banana sweeping almost all the MOM votes through her all-round excellent hockey and no lemon votes. 
Jenny: a platter of fruit arranged as a rainbow. To match her jumper, Cait’s cake, her captain band, and the beautiful shape of the aerials she did throughout the match, earning her a few MOM votes. 
Nic: a space fruit if that exists. An expert is NASA astronauts and what they can see, Nic impressed everyone and Bourne Deeping with her beautiful fake slaps.
Rebecca: A runner bean. I’ve now extended this to fruits and veg because of Rebecca’s running on the pitch, helping both the attack and defence, and her braids, which are always running behind her. 
Maddy: on that note, Maddy is a French bean (Oh la la!!), for telling me the word for ginger in French, before being clarified: “that’s exactly what I said! You just repeated what I said!”. Smashing game despite her French pronunciation. 
Hannah: a passionfruit for her passion and enthusiasm although she almost told the other team that she was passionate, but “it’s not the Olympics”. 
Jess: Jess proudly said she would be a leek, so this is only fair. It is with a leek’s rootedness that Jess took and scored a penalty flick and a short corner goal. 
Boo: a watermelon is a large fruit. And Boo solidly defended our goal taking excellent decisions throughout the whole game. 
Lucy: a nectarine with sunglasses on. Excellent playing throughout the whole match, and a request for a hickey from Maddy I believe, but my lateness meant that I only got the extremely out-of-context version of the conversation.
Rhian: a grape. Rhian showed soph the box containing either the grapes or blueberries up close, although there was no helping soph in her distinguishing of fruits. Rhi also had a wonderful game, always there.
Anna: an apple. Perhaps it’s the alliteration, but it feels perfectly balanced, delivering some super balls up the line throughout
And finally myself: an inevitable lemon. I secured two goals in the second half, and enjoyed cake and that is how I’ll round off this rather long report. 
Thankfully our club do not have an attitude problem, and thus nobody is banned from playing. Thanks again to our umpires!