Writing match reports for dummies

Here I will guide you through the basics of how to write a match report. Please remember this guide is not prescriptive and using your creative license is encouraged.

This guide will use possible examples that one could write if they were to be writing a match report for CSHC M1s vs St.Ives.

Stage 1 - Set the scene

Any match report worth it's salt must set the scene and give context to the game.

It is strongly encouraged to downplay the chances of your team being able to win the game. This allows for excuses for any loss, but also to set yourself up as heroic for any win.

Possible excuses could include:
Weather
Pitch condition
Bias Umpires [Ed - not a good idea, this one]
Availability & Injury
Hangovers
Too much standing around at training

I.e. "the M1s travelled long and far to Northstowe, with a squad that lacked the star quality it normally does. Key players like Mark, Ethan, Blower and Oscar forcing the team to play two left backs in the front 5."

Stage 2 - the game

This should be extremely brief. Give none of your teammates any compliments, they'll just get cocky. Take any chances to self indulge.

I.e. "the team put in a sufficient performance, however it was clear the leadership of their brilliant captain pushed them over the line. This was most notable when Highfield made an incredible diving tackle to stop the opposition player from taking a shot that'd almost certainly been a goal. Unfortunately his body was sacrificed in this defending and he was forced to sub off through injury. It was clear though that these heroics were what inspired the team to victory"

In this section you have the option to describe the goals, cards or notable moments.

I.e. "Patel received a green for a vicious late tackle where he was fortunate not to receive a worse sanction, and could have cost the team the match."

Stage 3 - ranking teas showers

This is self explanatory...
Add humour as much as possible here, it's your time to shine

I.e. "flavour - 11/14.5
Presentation - 0/3
Portion size - 9/65
Not proper person option - 999/1000
Ambiance - 37/90
Organisation - 1/6
Beer on draft - yes
Price of a can of coke - £1.50

Total score - purple"

Stage 4 (optional) - rating every player on the team about something odd.

This has become something of a custom for the M1s in recent years. 

Examples include:
Tim's tracksuit bottoms verdict
Will's sun lotion exposè
And a ranking of each m1 players areola size

Here is will give an extract of a potential kit bag analysis.

I.e. "nik - an olive green blakley duffel bag. The man travels in style. In fact it's all style, no substance.

Connor - A Tesco bag, minimal kit needed when you don't shower. Connir keeps it simple yet effective. The Keiran Tierney of hockey.

Tim - Black and white Adidas. The man loves Adidas! He also goes black and white as it portrays him as a non-flashy player.

Hungry - an ice cooler. On these hot days hungry prioritises keeping cool. Nothing else matters."

Stage 5 - AOB

Chuck a load of in jokes that no one else in the club will get but makes us seem like a great bunch of banterous lads.

Mention Mom and Lom.

Possibly make jibes at other teams [Ed - also probably not a good idea]

I.e. "wouldn't it be sad if another team in the league hid in the bushes listening to both teams half time talks" [... unless they are clearly fair comment!]

Stage 6 - Looking Ahead

A short section to focus on next week.

I.e. "Peterborough here we come!"

Something dreary like that.

Additional comments:

Please don't feel the need to follow this structure, get creative, add chaos.

If you're rushed don't worry about being funny, write something and send it to Tim with someone else's name as author.

I hope you all find this guide useful. Leaving the M1s no excuse on writing match reports over the season. 

I also propose a public nomination system om here. Next week I think Tom Rosselli should write it...