After the recent high profile, lucrative and much publicised sponsorship deal signed between a major sports tape company and myself, a scheduled post went out on Friday night to my many followers., helping to build the brand and share the reformative benefits that sports tape can offer. #advert #paidad #sponsoredathlete #sportstapeXXX

Despite being well received by millions, many lauding the post as “Brave” and “Truly inspirational”, in very few, small minded circles, the post didn’t get the credit it was due. This only highlights the current stigma against sponsored athletes within CSHC and with many opportunities out there to raise the profile of the club, I’ve decided to list below some of the player partnerships that I would personally like to see in the future.

Max Church – Alarm clocks. There was stunned silence in the changing room this week when Max showed up only 20 minutes later than the meet time. A team wide sponsorship may be beneficial as we yet again started the game half asleep and quickly found ourselves 2-0 down.

Ed Doust – The UN. The world is a turbulent place at the moment, and what we all really need are more peacemakers. People that don’t see colour or division and simply want to offer a helping hand to all. Gifts such as passes to onrushing forwards are prime examples of the kindness in this man’s heart.

Scott Catley – Savlon. Whilst googling first aid kits for bullet wounds, the top suggested search result was the antiseptic spray. With a sniper from the top of the D, Scott took a bullet of short corner to the knee, spending minutes lying prone in the D whilst play went on around him. Turns out all he needed was some magic spray.

Stu Rimmer – Cambridgeshire Libraries. Man this guy loves to read! Even with the guest appearance of keynote speaker Mr Chalk at teas, nothing was getting in the way of Stu reading the end of match votes. Has this had any impact on the votes outcome? Too early to say, but personally I feel a recount may be in order.

Mark Inman – Turkish plastic surgeons. The man’s backside gets bigger every week, with glutes that a Kardashian would be proud of. When he turns strong, no one can get near him.

Sam Highfield – British Wool. His jumpers alone must be keeping herds of shepherds in business.
-7up. you know the saying, ‘When South gives you lemons…’
-Gardeners world. Can we bring back a weekly segment entitled ‘Sam’s allotment’?
-Ely Cathedral. Often seen spending a big Friday night here with his fellow Potterheads.
He’s a sponsors dream.

Harry Schumann – Anger management classes. Usually the calmest head on the pitch, something had him riled this week, he was seen having a barney with il capitano midgame. One can only assume it was because he wasn’t invited to the magical orchestral performance.

Will Townley – Swell Reptiles – The UK’s biggest online reptile specialist. His snaky comments were seen slivering out Thursday, he can’t even wait until the weekend. #CobraTownley

Tim Winter – The Cosy Nook, BnB in Blackpool. With the frustration of playing with rest of us for 30 odd minutes, he decided to take things into his own hands and left the ball tucked comfortably in the corner of the oppositions goal.

Connor Trimble – Cambridgeshire Constabulary lost property department. This week, not only did he lose his shorts, but also misplaced his stick between the changing room and the pitch. He’s famous for losing his balance, and this week he seemingly lost his memory. Whilst casting the deciding vote, having spent all afternoon with the boys, he announced ‘oh skip, by the way, I’ve probably got COVID’.

Nik Patel – Chopsticks. ‘Chopsticks??!’ I hear you cry, well, that’s what he did and got a green card to show for it.

Oscar Serra – Gillette. With a fresh new trim, obviously having taken inspiration from the Parthenon on his Balkans road trip. We hoped that Oscar ‘Adonis’ Serra would add his godlike skills to our forward line up. Unfortunately his jawline was more cutting than our attacking play.

Steve Jackson – Passmaster Diving school. He was on fire, 100% pass completion. Albeit 2 from 2, both from pushbacks.

Jack Humby-Smith – Vegan Pizza’s. Jack has to put up with a lot, often being categorised as not a proper person. But he’s somehow managed to wangle a whole pizza to himself, so maybe he’s actually a genius. I tried a slice of the dry, cheese-less, raw onion-covered monstrosity and the only credit he deserves is how he manages to stomach it every week.

Henry Blower – Cambridge Independent newspaper announcements page. A big birthday? A birth in the family? Impending nuptials? This is the perfect place to share with everyone your big news. Who better than the man who was recently engaged, and didn’t think to tell any of his team!

Nat Farrant – AA Road Maps. Didn’t make it to the game again this week, can only assume he got lost?