Monday to Friday, stare into the abyss. Saturday, meet the L Who’s, and begin a story you must see to believe. Warm-up (jazzercise), prepare to beat Norwich City, defend our decorations, celebrate Christmas. One cantankerous green-furred (and purple-tied) man-Who appears late. Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all, may have been that his heart was two sizes too small. 

Time for the Who shout Welcome Christmas. Bring your cheer. Cheer to all L Whos, far and near, and so begins the battle for Long Who-ville. Who-ville elder Kim Who puzzled and puzzled 'till her puzzler was sore. We need more ‘pizazz’ going forward, she finally announced, with a roar.   

Alice Who intercepts the ball in midfield, and passes to Max. He misses entirely. What’s the matter with you? You some kind of wild animal? all the Who’s shout. Fortunately the L Who’s attack in numbers, Jess Who waiting behind smashes it in, a gift of a goal. Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. Loathe entirely,the Norwich players grumble to one another. Another pass perfectly gift-wrapped by Kerryn Who, and Little Sophie Who receives it top D. Her finish was sublime. She would solve world hunger, and tell no one, said shy Lucy Who, also to no one in particular. 

Norwich did try steal our Christmas Party, but our defensive Who’s came without ribbons,  they came without tags. They came without packages, boxes, or bags. They didn’t need any of that, because they are very good defenders. A spectacular save from Cindy Lou(py) Who, our tree never in danger. Reed-Claus then at it again with more fun and festive presents for the L Who's, another gift of a goal, the best Who in class. Our fellow Who’s (thanks L Who Twos) play their kazoos on the grass.  

Down to Who-ville for some groceries, listen to the Who’s in charge. Their exact words escape me but to paraphrase - That's what it's all about, isn't it? That's what it's always been about. Goals, goals... goals, goals, goals, goals, goals! You wanna know what happens to your goals? They all come to us. 

The festivities resume, Katie Who comes looking for a midfield chest-bump. No more jazzercise! I snap. Max scores a fierce yet festive drag flick. Ooooo... ahhhh... ohhh, could be heard echoing round all four corners of Long Who-ville. I’m all toasty inside, and I’m leaking, Max cried. Another short corner, knocked in by little Hannah Lou Who. I could use a little social interaction, she shouted in joy. 

Game ends, 5-0 to the L Who’s. The L Whos all join hands and sing ‘Welcome Christmas’ which perplexes the Grinch until he closes his eyes, and takes in the joy that the L Whos have. A symphony of kazoo’s rang out all over the land, conducted by little Evie Who, after her week of constant practice. The Who’s wave their defeated foes off the premises, How dare you enter the Grinch's lair? The impudence! The audacity! The unmitigated gall! And what happened then? Well, in Long Who-ville they say that the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day! He apologizes to the L Who’s for missing their training for a land far far away from Long Who-ville, ‘I am the Grinch that stole Christmas, and I'm... sorry’, then headed back to his cave. 

Late Christmas lunch with the L Whos, I can’t cancel that again. The L Who’s young and old would sit down to a feast, and they'll feast, feast, feast, feast. Some more than others. Did you have 1 slice or 2, Jessica B Who interrogates the younger Who’s, left shaking in fear. We voted Sophie our true Grinch, and she, herself, she carved the roast beef!  I turned to Max. I tell you Max, I don't know why I ever leave this place. I've got all the company I need right here. 

Wrestle with self-loathing. Try on a Christmas jumper. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. That’s it, I’m not going. Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it. 

Who-Pudding with the L Whos. Now time for jazzercise. Realise that Christmas is not all about goals and winning, maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas perhaps means a little bit more. But the 5 goals and the winning and being second in the league and being such a great team definitely does help. Sunday, wallow in self-pity, I’m booked.