Back in my day, school children were seen and not heard. They respected their elders…

Back in my day, aerials would travel further horizontally than they did vertically…

Back in my day, scoring a hat trick in 10 minutes made you a legend, chants would ring out across the terraces and busts would be made from Italian marble. Now it gets you a string of Lemon votes and a witty comment about how you seem to struggle with fractions…

Back in my day, a recorder was a cheap plastic instrument for children, ubiquitous in primary schools and treated with utter contempt by anyone over the age of 12. They were not produced triumphantly to and without irony by a grown man with an engineering degree and the gall to claim it was ‘printed’. Oh, and they actually made a noise when played…

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Cambridge South Men’s 1s took their talents to London for the first time to play Waltham Forest. Without any East Anglian coastal opposition this season the London games have taken on the added significance of being train beer fixtures. All aboard!

However, the boys are clearly a little rusty on how train beers work as the two age diversity selections were initially stuck on the wrong side of a divided train, Connor and Ben managed to get the wrong time train from Cambridge, both Pudds and Ozzy got on the right train but at two different wrong stations, and some muppets drove to the game. One even drove there in his own car, left it at the pitch,and went home in someone else’s. Honestly.

There was no rustiness on the hockey front however as South took to the pitch full of confidence and wasted no time in establishing a lead with Harry Lewis scoring a trademark rubbish goal in the first minute. The game then ran away from Waltham Forest pretty fast, with Harry Lewis scoring in shameful fashion again after only three minutes and completing a hat-trick devoid of any honour within 10 minutes. The three stops on the tube from Tottenham Hale to Walthamstow took as long as Harry Lewis’ hat trick.

3-0 South, 10 minutes gone.

South's ability to dominate has been known to ebb and flow throughout matches, especially on away days, but there was none of that self-doubt or complacency on display here. In fact, the walk from Walthamstow Central took longer than it took South to really put the game to bed - Clement Robert finished neatly on the reverse after 15 minutes, capping the move with a commando roll celebration for no particular reason; Jack Humby-Smith scored a less memorable goal 5 minutes later; and Harry Lewis got his fourth just before the 30 minute mark. The shock of the pace at which South were converting chances into goals surprised both sides in all honesty.

6-0 South, 30 minutes gone.

The second half was a different story in terms of highlights and scoreline, but the final result and South’s ability to control the game was never truly challenged. Connor Trimble received a yellow card for a ‘body check’ so blatant and violent that the opposition player had assumed the yellow card was directed at him rather than Connor.

Waltham Forest were able to capitalise on the numerical advantage while it lasted, putting together a series of one-twos through midfield to unlock South’s defence. Despite a heroic effort by Mark Inman (yes, today’s author, get over it) to clear the initial shot off the line at chest height, the ball landed with an attacker and was slapped competently into the opposite corner.

6-1 South, some time into the second half.

After a long stoppage due to Scott Catley being accidentally struck in the face, which gave Matt Puddefoot and an opponent opportunity to take it in turns to see who could add water to grow the puddle of blood most effectively. Other than that, there was little else of note in the rest of the game. South held their shape and discipline well enough to close out a comprehensive 6-1 win, with the final highlight being a strong right-footed save by Big Dave Potter in goal that earned a ripple of applause from the mostly Waltham Forest spectators. Not that he remembered.

Worth noting that it was Scott Catley’s 100^th game - congratulations. I imagine the bottle of wine was limited consolation when he realised he would have to leave his car in London and be driven to Addenbrooke’s. Get well soon, Scott.

On to the train. Oh, you don’t follow the M1s on Instagram? Then you get this weak summary:

B. Lindars (8) – debutant, winner, slept in a damp bib

M. Inman (7.5) – leader until the last stop, distracted by the ‘halves’ controversy

H. Lewis (7.5) – early leader, domestique brother, started the ‘halves’ controversy,

H. Schumann (7) – coaches for the beers, time keeper masochist,

N. Patel (7) - Beermat leader, split the G winner, pool champ, never a contender

W. Townley (7) – leader on the pitch, follower at the bar, avoided the damp bibs he provided

M. Puddefoot (0.0% * 7) – Beermat leader (sober category), responsible adult, Sunday half marathon birthday party

O. Wilson-Toy (DNF) – early jersey wearer, only counts if you make it to Old Ticket Office

J. Humby (DNF) – Flash in the pan, even got on a train in the opposite direction, poor

Waltham Forest HC Teas (0) – teas so bad they required a disclaimer

M. Cicuta / C. Robert (N/A) – underage, stick to goal scoring

C. Trimble / S. Catley / D. Potter / H. Peak (DNS) – car beers are illegal, Connor didn’t have to make his girlfriend run down the road