Part 1 (Summer 2024)

I cannot describe the sheer joy that came over me when I opened Spond to find a message from (soon to be) captain Will inviting me to practise with my dream team – The Cambridge South Men’s 1st XI. The prospect of playing with my childhood greats – Sam Highfield, Tim Winter, and dare I say it Harry Lewis, was daunting at first, yet I would shortly find out that the grandeur of this 2014-15 Barcelona-esqueteam was nothing but an illusion.

Part 2 (First training session)

The aforementioned Sam was no longer the hockey equivalent of Sergio Busquets, but had turned out to be a cruel, angry, much much worse version. Nevertheless, I was pleasantly surprised to find that while some players on the team were slightly too old for me to understand their jokes, many of my heroes were actually very nice.

Part 3 (Saturday’s game)

I once again found myself in the back of somebody’s car, I think his name is Ed, being shipped away to another hockey game. Blueharts 2s had by far the nicest clubhouse in the league, but we won. Pearson dried himself with a dirty pillowcase.

Part 4 (Meet the team)

There is no M1s Match report without categories, and so this time we turn to Italian foods.

Will Townley – Pizza Diavola

Every time I go to a new pizzeria, I get this pizza. It brings together everything you want in a pizza. Captain Will gets this pizza as it is simply one of the best, though to fit in with the team I think I should add something about Will’s serpentine nature, so the spice of the salami which kicks when you least expect it is for this. 

Harry Lewis – Saffron Risotto

My forward duo, the top scorer, the guy who brings his family to every game. Saffron Risotto brings together all of this, a grain of rice for each goal, bright colour for Harry’s jolly persona, yet pretty hard to get your hands on saffron, representing how Harry has forgotten how to score. 

Ben Lindars – Pasta alla carbonara

Ben is the person who I aspire to play like. Composed, spinny, and youthful are the words that come to mind. For this reason, Ben is awarded Carbonara, one of the top pasta dishes on the team. 

Matt Puddefoot – Pizza Margherita

Pudds is ruthless, he runs marathons apparently. For this reason, a pizza which stands the test of time, is everywhere, and is also very good is only fitting. 

Mark Inman – Baccalà

This is a slightly weird one, eaten exclusively at Christmas, not out of will but out of tradition. The ‘forever’ aspect is what makes this dish suitable for Mark, who started out his hockey career in the 70s back when it was played on grass. He also says things which I don’t understand, much like the flavour of this dish. 

Harrison Peak – Panzerotti

Harrison would’ve got Calzone had it not been for his bright neon socks which he sported on Saturday, so instead he got a smaller, deep fried version – the Panzerotto.

Tim Winter – Cotoletta alla Milanese 

Tim seems out of place in the team. I think over the years of playing at South, he has forgotten he actually plays for the GB squad. He also knows way too much about hockey. Because of this, Tim gets my favourite mountain dish, which is probably Austrian, but also has an Italian name. 

Chris Pearson - Polenta con salsiccia

I can’t quite make my mind up over Pearson, on one hand he is an excellent hockey player, but I’m pretty sure he has grandkids. I gather Pearson also has something to do with being a farmer, so gets the very agricultural dish of Polenta con salsiccia. 

Sam Highfield – Pizza Nduja

If theres one thing I’ve learned since joining the M1s, its that Sam wishes he was Will. Pizza Nduja is what I get when there isn’t Pizza Diavola on the menu, and is still quite good, but annoyingly spicy and tastes a bit weird. 

Connor Trimble - Tiramisù

Very consistent, energetic, fast, and cheerful. Connor gets my favourite dessert, Tiramisù. Unfortunately, he turns up late which is why he is the only dessert on the team. 

Scott Catley – Canederli

A classic from the Alps, very comforting, but you would probably order Pearson’s dish instead. Scott falls under the ‘very nice’ category for people in the team but has been seen wearing lilac shoes with a lilac stick and a lilac glove and lilac skins to match.

Ed Doust – Tagliatelle al ragù

Ed is scarily good at tackling, and this makes training on the other team to Ed rather miserable. However, when Ed is on your team, you feel unstoppable, as no matter the obstacle, Ed finds a way to get you the ball. For this reason, Ed is awarded the classic Tagliatelle al ragù.

Stanley Hanson – Parmigiana di melenzane

Stan is very friendly, he sits beside me in the changing room pre match, and saves all of my shots. He is also vegetarian, so gets one of the best vegetarian dishes I can think of.

Matteo Cicuta – Risotto con porcini

I get to pick my own dish, but given my imminent stepbackfrom the M1s I think the dish should reflect this. This dish is on the verge of extinction (its not) due to the rising temperatures in the Alps, which threaten their growth patterns.