What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immoveable object? Moreover, what happens when precision German engineering meets uncompromising Swedish design? More-er-over-er, what happens when a teammate (Ed Creedy) viciously parks their brand-new BMW X1 in the way of my ailing 22-year-old Volvo V70’s wing mirror? I’ll tell you dear reader. You get a match report penned by an author who despite having played at Cambridge South for three years has never been asked to write one. So, much like the damage done to Ed’s car in the Peterborough sport centre one fateful Saturday December 6th at around 16:00*, expect very superficial detail.

Cambridge South M2 started off the game against Peterborough M3s well enough. Attacks were coming from Peterborough thick and fast and South’s iron curtain (Ali Smith, Alex Haglund, Oli Weston) and at times, super keeper George Toynton, soaked up the pressure well. Our back line were also making good connections with the screens in front of them too. Meaning that although Peterborough had some handy attackers, their individual performances were no match for our back 5 (6 inc. keeper). In classic CSHC M2s fashion however, the success at the back rarely translated to success further up the pitch. A few entries into the final quarter often amounting to turnovers, incomplete passes, or shorts going unconverted was pretty much the sum-total of our attacks in the first half. At some point in the first 35 mins of play time,‘borough were awarded a short corner, the Peterborough attacker had their drag flick stopped by George T. Alas, the telepathic link between Ali, Alex, Oli, and whoever the fourth bloke was had been temporarily severed and time seemingly stood still for the CSHC defenders who all stared at the ball a few yards from their own goal. The Peterborough attacker saw their opportunity and found the back of the net. Damn, 1-0 Peterborough. No worries though. Tis but a monetary lapse in concentration! We’ve had most of the possession, the aforementioned pressure sponges were continuing to work well. It’s just a matter of time before we can string some beautiful hockey together in the attacking half of the pitch and score some worldies. I’d even settle for one of Ed’s how-the-hell-did-he-get-the-ball-in-the-goal-anti-skill goals at this point (God knows he could do with a pick me up after callusy scratching his brand-new BMW on my wing mirror).

Half-time. A chance for regrouping and expert analysis from word-smith Gabe Wolff. Captain Jim Hockley cut Gabe off from his soliloquy and reminded him that now was not the time to practise his TED talk. The message from Jim was clear- keep doing what we’re doing the goals will come. And in the second half one did come, for Peterborough, 2-0. Double-damn. Something was off, the mighty CSHC M2s were in a funk we came back onto the pitch a different team, not worse per se, but different. Possibly Ed’s inability to use his horn in the correct manner earlier in the car park was weighing heavy on the player’s minds. We dug in as best we could. Midfield dynamo Jack Murphy continued to be a nuisance to some of the Peterborough old heads, showing rugged determination in the face of very rapid charges. So rugged in fact that he earned himself a yellow card for accidently clipping the heels of the opposition as he bowled past him bringing him crashing down to the ground (serves you right, P’borough player, for being freakishly fast for your age). The game finished 2-0 to the home side, with some South players glad the game ended when it did lest Peterborough scored more goals.

Ed, I’ve got a quote for removing the remnants of your Chelsea tractor from my antique vehicle, let me know a good time to pop it round, and hope that being a new dad isn’t too stressful.

*Seriously Peterborough HC, either get another pitch or convince some captains to leave and form their own club, speak to Cambridge HC for how to effectively decouple from your current club. You’ve got like 14 teams trying to play on one pitch each Saturday!

[Ed - Will (and others) will be glad to hear that Peterborough are actively fundraising to build a second astro at Bretton Gate. But an astroturf doesn't come cheap. There also used to be other Hockey suitable astros in the city of Peterborough until the last few years, which Peterborough used to avoid the very late games. But these have now all been converted into Football suitable (aka Hockey UNsuitable) surfaces. So, in essence, it's all the FA's fault]