Famously when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object it creates a classic paradox. However when an unstoppable force who enjoyed a very pork-heavy Christmas diet meets a callow, teenaged Corby-based object there’s unfortunately only going to be one outcome. Minor seismic readings were registered as far away as Peterborough, and the teenaged object was left spread over the Long Road turf. Hence this report. And from which, may the court note, I took no pleasure. 

I’m not sure how many other irresistible force paradoxes can be applied to the Kettering game per se but the crisp, sunny mid-January conditions were perfect for a good, fast-flowing game of hockey. The squad unusually strong, bolstered by the likes of Ash, Ollie and the ample buttocks of Tom Henderson. Riccardo boldly predicting that he had new shoes and therefore would never win lemon again. The omens were good. 

There followed a game of ebb and flow where South’s improvised approach of on-the-fly, free-form jazz was met with Kettering’s more direct brand of channel-running, aerial-heavy metal. The results were an enjoyably end-to-end with nark aplenty.

The backline of Josh, Doug, Shin and mobile wheelie bin in human form, Tom Anns, dealt with the aerial bombardment with aplomb. For about 12 minutes. Until an avoidable short corner led to a good save from Jo and a rebound from the eager Kettering forwards. Aplomb had become plomb.

After a half-time where at least 17 different voices offered sage advice, formation queries and bizarrely brownies, South began the second half with renewed vigour. And for a while looked like a top Div 3NW team. Full-backs went wide, forwards high, midfielders linked and Ash, Gabe and others bamboozled. Jack stuck away a very handy reverse strike into the corner of the goal. A sentence which I don’t think I’ve ever seen in writing before. 

The nark-metre continued to rise towards the red of genuine animosity, but other than that the game settled into a nailed-on 1-1. Until Scottish stalwart and Britain’s most redoubtable man gave a pass from the back which was just deflected by the Kettering forward. 3 broke on 1 and keeper Jo was beaten. 

Thereafter, possibly hindered by the halftime brownies, South pressed for an equaliser at the expense of all shape. Menzies sent an aerial apparently close to the face of his teenaged tormentee, Hence this report. Ash was upended by an extraordinary man-only slide tackle in the D, which resulted in a long corner, rather than the yellow card, penalty flick and 3-5 year prison sentence that many on the South side were calling for. And that was that. 

2026 began much like 2025 had ended. However under Sam’s watch, and with some hard work, I have no doubt that we’ll gain momentum this second half of the season and click into gear. But just to be on the safe side I am going to keep on with my pork-based diet until I have the same mass and density as a small neutron star. And then nobody will be able to stop me. Not even Kettering.