Given that many of us aren’t quite capable of a two-game weekend anymore*, and with the Winter Olympics under way, it’s only fitting that we assign our girls a new sport.

Emily Kitt – Figure Skating
She’ll take you dancing across the pitch. Graceful, elegant and annoyingly agile. The way she spins out of trouble keeps you watching — and if you stare too long, she’ll slip in a goal while you’re applauding. Perfect sport for our youngest. 10/10 from the judges, standing ovation from the crowd.

Izzy MP – Ski Jumping
A sport built entirely on vibes, courage and absolutely sending it. She’s launched herself back after injury like gravity was optional. And if you’ve seen her drag flick, you’ll understand why this is a sport where hesitation simply isn’t allowed.

Liv – Alpine Downhill
Calls herself the fastest in the league — and frankly, no one’s gathered enough evidence to dispute it. This sport is pure speed, serious nerve and blind confidence, all of which were demonstrated beautifully by volunteering to take the stroke. Blink and she’s gone.

Amy & Amelia – Bobsleigh (Two-Woman)
Might seem like a cop-out pairing two players, but this sport is literally built on teamwork. Explosive from the whistle, perfect timing, total trust. When they play  together, things move very quickly. They’ll both out run you and together they’re unstoppable.

Izzy S – Curling
A sport that may look simple. Absolutely isn’t. Requires precision, patience and a scary amount of intelligence. Izzy picks up and distributes with laser accuracy, and never looks rushed. She’d be sweeping her way to gold while everyone else is still trying to understand the rules.

Sophie – Alpine Slalom
A soloist sport weaving side to side at speed. If she skis the way she dribbles around defenders, gates don’t stand a chance. Quick feet, sharp angles, and defenders left skiing the wrong course.

Alice – Luge
Low, fast and brutally precise. Alice threads through defenders at speed, commits fully, and somehow ends up exactly where she planned to be. No wasted movement, no panic. She trusts the line and goes.

Evie – Ski Mountaineering
Yes, it’s an Olympic sport (I checked). With insane endurance; casually running 10km before a big game and still turning up ready for a Sunday fixture, this sport is perfect. Navigates the pitch like a mountain route, always finding the quickest way to the forwards. Elite engine behaviour.

Kim – Freestyle Skiing
All vibes, all creativity, all points. Kim freestyles her way up the pitch, arrives ahead of  the forwards and somehow scores while we're all telling her to get back to screen. If we're lucky, a freestyle finger-gun celebration is included. She may be disappointed not to make speed skating, but sadly Henry and the penguin skate aid aren’t Olympic-approved equipment.

Maegan – Biathlon
High intensity followed by absolute calm — the perfect comparison. Covers the ground, reads danger early, and still delivers pinpoint pick-ups under pressure. Around the chaos, she keeps composure. Built for it.

Jenny – Cross-Country Skiing
Speed-man beadman. Relentlessly consistent, endless engine, impossible to knock out of rhythm. Much like this sport, Jenny just keeps going while others (me) reconsider their life choices.

Katie C – Speed Skating
Smooth, efficient, and quietly devastating. If she skates like she plays hockey, she’s eating up metres without breaking stride. Not afraid to carry from defence to the D and rightly earned Man of the Match with this performance.

Tess – Snowboarding
Already unfairly qualified thanks to rumours of ski-field (lol) appearances back in NZ. Plays on her own rhythm, runs off vibes, and operates on a slightly different wavelength (in the best possible way). Perfect fit.
 

Lou R – Skeleton
An adrenaline sport that needs instant reactions and pure nerve — ideal for our keeper. Lou reacts at speed, makes high-risk decisions look routine, and keeps composure even when Wisbech forwards are coming.

Kerryn (Karen) – Ice Hockey
Requesting a direct transfer to a contact sport after a run of recent on-pitch battles worthy of the sister sport (thank you, Amy + Wisbech + Ipswich etc etc etc…). I might as well request a name transfer too while we’re at it.

*Those over the age of 28.
Quote Amelia before Wisbech: “I’m just not tired at all after the Peterborough game.”