The Ladies 2s packed themselves up and headed over to St Neots this Saturday. Unfortunately for the L2s, the collective braincell was not in the kit bag, nor did anyone think to bring it along. Despite having heads full of nothing but sawdust, the L2s put up a good fight against the recently relegated Saints squad, matching their pace and stringing together some promising passages of play.

Unfortunately, not a single one of our seventy-five thousand short corners paid off, leaving us 1-0 down at half time. A very speedy goal from St Neots after half time left South 2-0 down, which is how it stayed for the remainder of the match. 

Although lacking any brain cells to rub together, the L2s, like any functioning human body, are made up of a distinct set of individual cells and components. Please see below.

Scarlett – The Mitochondrion: Absolute powerhouse, dragged the team through the match. Produced enough energy for all eleven players on the pitch, despite the rest of the squad being in an ATP deficit. A well-deserved PoM.

Hayley – The Neuron: Our resident tactician, the one cell who seems to know what was going on and still be able to communicate efficiently throughout the squad. Unfortunately, her signals were ultimately transmitted into a void.

Jenny – The White Blood Cell: Spent the afternoon phagocytosing opposition attacks and engulfing the numerous mistakes made by her own immune-compromised teammates.

Coco – The Red Blood Cell: Tirelessly circulating around the pitch, delivering oxygen (the ball) to the muscles (our other players) who otherwise might have given up entirely. 

Harry – The Microglia: The brain's resident security team. Constantly patrolling for threats, clearing up debris and attempting to protect a central nervous system that was conspicuously absent for the duration of the match.

El – The Platelet: The Emergency Repair Cell. Spent her afternoon patching up defensive errors, filling gaps, and preventing the whole operation from haemorrhaging goals.

Emily – The Neutrophil: Our rapid-response attacking cell. First to the scene of an opposition weakness, charging forward with admirable aggression.

Tilly – The Osteocyte: Solid as a Rock Bone.  Providedstructural integrity to an otherwise collapsing organism.

Izzy – The Stem Cell - Our stem cell remains admirably undifferentiated and can slot into any position, waiting to discover which position the tactical chaos would require her to become. So undifferentiated that she didn’t realise we play each team home AND away, earning her joint LoM.

Loopy – The Macrophage: Spent the match clearing up loose balls, collecting scraps, and tidying up after the rest of the team. Goalie extraordinaire.

Charlotte – The Killer T Cell: Can identify the opposition’s Doreen (weakest player) from a mile away and eliminates them without hesitation. Unfortunately, our resident immune assassin has now arrived late for the second week running, suggesting her threat-detection system is highly selective when it comes to identifying the threat posed by the pushback time, earning her joint LoM.

Tabs – The Keratinocyte: Formed a protective barrier against opposition attacks, attempting to maintain the structural integrity of an organism whose other defensive mechanisms were very much under duress. 

Nichola – The Eosinophil: Highly specialised (can slap the ball and bake cakes), can do very little else. Occasionally useful.

In conclusion, if anyone has seen, or is currently in possession of, the collective brain cell, please return it to the team by next Saturday. Its continued absence is severely compromising our ability to function as a cohesive organism.

Many thanks for your cooperation.

The L2s Scientific Research Department