After the game Nev kindly described me as "imperious" in defense. In the spirit of this comment, and having already written a match report that was actually about the game this year, the only option for this one is to align our players with my favourite emperors [1]:

Nev Warren => Charlemagne, who spent much of his life uniting Europe by force under the Carolingian Empire, just as Nev spent much of his week putting a team together in the face of enormous odds. Their efforts ripple through history, and as far as I know both have the blessing of the pope.

James Hartley => Napoleon Bonaparte, first Emperor of the French. Maintained an incredible series of victorious campaigns across the field, to resounding acclaim, but invasion of Russia considered a "swing and a miss" so to speak.

Rob Barton => Genghis Khan. Rob has scored more goals than anyone in history including two more today, just as Genghis Khan conquered more land than anyone in history. The most significant difference is Rob doesn't ride a horse.

Tommy Barton => Kublai Khan. At the end of Tommy's great perfomance in his first M5s game time, Rob raised the match ball to Tommy's forehead and said "The actions of this boy Tommy are full of wisdom, heed them well - heed them all of you." Something similar happened between Genghis and Kublai.

Andy Moore => Trajan of the Roman Empire. Andy is an emperor who can do it all, today in goal but equally adept in personal military action, statecraft and governance. In the latter case especially valuable in keeping the defence organised.

Craig Hall => Mehmed II of the Ottoman Empire. The Ottomans spent decades seeking to break into Constantinople, with no doubt similar energy to Craig's attempts to break the opposition's D. Under Mehmed II they succeeded: one good goal, one great assist.

John D'Arcy => Antoninus Pius, highly successful Roman emperor who brought peace and prosperity. Being honest I have little to go on here, but John was clearly prepared with a great wealth (of experience) and calm confidence, just as was the Roman empire during Antoninus' reign.

Luke D'Arcy => Marcus Aurelius, noted stoic philosopher as well as Roman emperor and successor of Antoninus Pius. Stoicism encourages managing the quality of your own thoughts, not allowing the actions of others to dictate or unduly influence them. Luke's casual lack of care for the opposition's desire to obstruct his advance is undoubtedly what they had in mind. Instrumental in some of our best through-ball plays into the D and gets my own man of the match vote.

Jude Plumb => Cyrus the Great, founder of the Achaemenid Empire. A constant battler who, to quote Herodotus, has "subjugated without exception every opposition player that lay in his path".

Etienne Bloomfield => Mansa Musa of the Mali Empire. Etienne's high-pace pinpoint tackles are like gold and he distributes them so lavishly they shift the tactical economics of the region. Always highly impactful when he undertakes a pilgrimage up the pitch.

Henry Ong => Pachacuti of the Incan Empire. The function of the Incan Empire has fascinated historians in how it grew rapidly to unite a huge area despite mostly covering high, difficult terrain. Likewise Henry's winger role high up the pitch fascinates me, finding ways to move forward despite all the opposition getting in the way and somehow always forging a road that keeps him a step ahead.

Paul South => Qin Shi Huang, the first emperor of China and originator of what became the Great Wall of China. On the hockey pitch Paul imposes a great wall against invading hordes. Actually this one is a bit rubbish, it should really be the Hadrian who was also a notable wall builder but equally known for his wisdom and governance, but we've already had three Roman emperors.

Sandy Taylor => Alexander III of Macedon, i.e. the Great. Did you know Alexander means "defender of men"? "Defender"? Get it? Also I am pretty great.

[1] For you pedants "emperor" is interpreted broadly here, especially for rulers whose societies predated the word or modern concept.