Another Saturday, another thriller! This weeks installment had it all; action, passion, "skill", aggression, anger, amateur dramatics and a beautiful tale of romance to keep the whole family enthralled. This week South 1's ventured once more to the land of webbed hands, webbed feet, extra fingers, extra toes and of course the precursor to all of this, Dave's Mum. For a couple of hours, Dave was going home.

South's fearsome dictator in charge (General Vladimir McColug) had now returned from a trip to Russia assisting with the election process. Having reflected on South's current 4th place standing under his iron fist, zero tolerance regime (fractionally ahead of the days oppo), the General opted for a new strategy - the troops were to "enjoy" themselves. Or so this was to be the official line. This "enjoyment" commenced with an enforced stop at sports nutritionist Dr. M C Donald on the way. Loyal footman J.Hawkes was one of three selected subjects picked (apparently at random) for the session. An eye witness at the scene (who has asked to remain anonymous) stated that the fearsome General ordered Hawkes to consume many of the Dr's supplements, claiming that they would aid his performance and "help the team". Hawkes, entirely unsuspecting of any ulterior motivation behind the General's orders, duly followed the commands.

Upon arrival at the Stade de Webb, the atmosphere was electric with an air of anticipation. For this week Nicky Briscow was returning to action. His latest injury, an itchy rash, had cruelly ruled him out for most of the season, but a strong course of (curiously) vagisil had apparently cured the "area". The excitement was short lived however, as 79 seconds into the first half Nicky was seen limping off the pitch with reports of a scratching action.

The troops, slightly disheartened to see the demise of Nicky, fought on valiantly, quickly tearing holes in the oppo's defense. With 8 minutes on the clock a beautiful passage of play culminated in a one in a million pass from loyal servant Hawkes to the General, providing South with a golden opportunity to score. With an elated scream of "goal king" the general unleashed a terrifying air shot at the desperate oppo goal. Unfortunately the General did not quite get the correct air angle on the ball and the chance went begging.

South continued to press hard and were eventually rewarded with a short corner after a one in a million foot from a consistent Hawkes. Average smelt glory. Having so expertly drag flicked in the previous week, he stepped up to the D, expressing nothing but the cute slight smile of a 5 year old boy. The flick was executed beautifully, only to be saved by a one in a million save by the oppo goal keeper. Average looked gutted. The smile had gone, until something unexpected happened. A skillful oppo player (curiously absent from the sides' previous encounters) commended Average on an outstanding effort, and particularly his "lovely lines". All of a sudden the smile was back, and some. The remainder of Averages match consisted of an enchanting love story of magnitudes last seen in a documentary on the Titanic, and as such cannot be accurately or sufficiently depicted in mere words so I will leave this story to Celine.

Half time was soon called with neither side having impacted the scoreline. Unfortunately the contents of the half time address by the General cannot be disclosed due to sensorship rules under the regime.

With the second half underway something was immediately apparent. Hawkes, having impressed in the 1st half, looked to be struggling. Spectators present at the game (also requesting anonymity) stated that it looked as though he might have been deliberately poisoned or deliberately over/force fed just before the game. (Please note that these views were expressed by independent primary witnesses and are in no way representative of the views of the author).

With star point scorer Nicky Briscow sidelined and loyal team player Hawkes inhibited, there was a genuine fear that South could crumble, until a young buck by the name of E Reed stepped up to the plate. In what some have speculated was a potential MoM winning performance (and with that a healthy haul of fantasy points that aren't at all coveted by any members of the team) ER showed flair, charisma and power. Unfortunately it was to be short lived. Suddenly, out of no where, ER was cut down by a sniper's bullet. A sickening, gut-wrenching scream was the first anyone new of this - the gravity of the situation was instantly understandable by the severity of the scream. Speculation that the sniper may have been of Russian origin has been widely dismissed by officials following a conspiracy theory anonymously uploaded to the net claiming that ER had been quoted as saying that "the bullet felt Russian" and claims by multiple sources that General McCulog was apparently seen talking into a water bottle moments before the strike. The General's number 1, Pavel M Williams, responded aggressively to such accusations implying that any such slanderous comments would be "dealt with".

The scream happened to coincide with the only goal of the game. With everyone's attention drawn by the assassination attempt, the general seized on this opportunity to push the ball into the oppo goal. Despite protests by the oppo several minutes later when everyone realised what the General had done, the goal was allowed on a technicality as the umpires, rushing to the aid of ER, had not blown their whistles.

The spectators were treated to a controlled performance by South for the remainder of the game, where South calmly retained possession in the safety of the oppo half to see out the win. A glorious aerial from the Karachi King, a persistent attacking threat from Justin Claes, handbags (and helmets) at dawn from Stevey "nobody touches my kit" Parker and the weekly request by the umpire for F. Johnson to shut up were just some of the highlights.

And so the game ended with a 1-0 victory for South. A "democratic" vote was held after the game in order to elect a MoM and LoM. General McCulog took control of the voting procedure and responsibility for the counting of the ballot along with his number 1 Pavel M Williams. A somewhat surprising result emerged where the General himself received a 63% majority to take the MoM award. As surprising was that Hawkes received the LoM award. No reasons were provided for the awards. Due to the General's long association and experience with voting processes it was deemed that the result was accurate and that no recount was required.