I know words, I have the best words. Which is why my Chief of Staff, Jim Hockley, asked me to give the pre-match inaugural speech - he knows I make the greatest speeches. The team gathered. I spoke. It was great. Everyone loved it. But Jim (out-of-touch) spoiled the moment by then reading out some poem from Bill Shakespeare or someone. Sad!

This was a big game. It was gonna be huuuge! Ignore the fake news that were reporting a recent 'Trump slump' in form for the M1s. We are on course for promotion to the very top division. We've beaten everyone so far. Everyone else are just losers. Still, I had my good pal Vlad do some pre-match 'data-gathering' on the opposition. They were only bringing eleven! Lightweights!

Guys - you shoulda seen the game. I mean, it was great. Real classy. South started sharply - of course - and created chances straight away. In fact, it was looking so easy that I almost felt sorry for Narwhich. Which is why, when Secretary of Argiculture Pearson dribbled past twelve of their players and passed it to me on the P spot, I shot wide. One of the reasons people love me is that I only score when I need to.

It wasn't long though before my long-time drinking-buddy and property investor, Paresh (Secretary of Defence), stepped up and threw a curveball straight through their defence. Pearson cleverly deflects it past the keeper and BAM! Home-run! One-zero. Easy!

But everyone knows I make the best deflections. It's true. So when Paresh fired in another bomb of a ball I showed Pearson what a great deflection looks like. Slam-dunk! Two-zero. The players loved it. The crowd loved it. Even the opposition stopped and applauded for a couple of minutes. They shouldn't have been surprised. I've got a lot of experience handling a long stick. Ask my wife. She's a huge fan of my stick.

The crowd cheers my goal

After about twenty minutes, Secretary of Veterans' Affairs, Chris Gravelllling, had a fall. He was probably shot in the leg by an opposition player. I hereby demand video referral. Chris obviously just wants to be me - so he headed off to Addenbrookes. He'll probably have to get his hip replaced but should be back within four to five weeks. Weak!

Let me tell y'all about Secretary of Energy, Mike Karran. This guy! He's so tough. He's running a half-marathon tomorrow (that's further than any American has ever run before!) But he nearly ran a half-marathon in our game today. Shortly before half-time I started a move with a huge five yard pass from our own defence. About eighty passes later, Mike scores with a calm finish. That was a great goal. Not as good as mine. But real classy.

Even UN Ambassador, Craig Spencer, who we'd generously loaned to some struggling London club was there to cheer on his favorite team.

At three-zero up, my half-time team-talk was simple: WE'RE GONNA BUILD THE WALL in defence. Its gonna be HUUUUGE! And Narwich are gonna pay for it. Mark my words. Nobody builds defensive walls better than us, believe me.

A technical drawing of The Wall. I have the best drawings - I do.

*Editor’s note* Strangely ommitted from this report is the following: shortly after the Wall was created, Norwich City scored two goals, using the tactic of going over the wall via aerials. The author refuses to acknowledge either goal and has subsequently demanded an official recount.

We were winning so easily that I took myself off and let Oli Lamming (Secretary for Science and Technology) play a bit. Immediately two of those smokin' hot Red Bull girls came up and started flirting with me. They said they just wanted a video of me drinking Red Bull. But we all know what they really wanted. They wanted to touch my stick. They all do. But just then Secretary of Fast Food, Shin, staggered off the pitch and collapsed with exhaustion from his two minutes on the pitch. Weak! So I had to leave my fans and win the game for South all by myself. I did this by jogging around telling everyone where to run and where to pass the ball. Which they did - and Oli was there on the far post to knock the ball past the goaltender for a touch down. Four-zero!

Narwhich still had some attacks. They're dangerous. Real out-of-control! But Secretary of Homeland Security, Jason 'The' Mann, kept everything out. He makes all the saves. He's got the best saves. No-one saves the ball like Jason. And in front of him, Colin T (Secretary for Internal Affairs) was the greatest defender. He's got the highest defender ratings in history.

And that was it - we won. Just like I said we would.

Afterwards we generously hosted the losers in my clubhouse. Its a great clubhouse - real classy place. I ordered pizzas for everyone. Real American food. Made by Real Americans. In America.

The Cambridge South clubhouse

We should just cancel the rest of the league fixtures and declare Cambridge South the winners. Relegate all the other losers. We're the greatest! We're gonna beat ISIS so bad! No-one knows field hockey like we do.

Lastly a big shout out to my buddy Mark Williams (Assistant Secretary for Children and Families) who played the day before his first wedding. He knows where his priorities are. Tough guy. Smart.

God bless field hockey. And God bless Cambridge South!