A note to the South faithful: I advise reading just the first and last paragraph and glossing over the middle of the report below. It leads to a much happier result.

The 1st 30 Seconds:

Frost melted, a toasty 2°C, melt water turning the pitch into a water-based to compete with the Olympic pitch, push back - let’s go, South, go. And go they do. Hockley gets the ball, sprints past his marker and, a metre from the baseline, crosses to Chalk at the far post. Keeper stranded, one-nil.

The Boring Bit:

South create another opportunity from push back as Chalk nearly puts Hockley in. A good spell of pressure results in the majority of possession in the Blueharts’ 25. They gradually get back into the game, however. A little known fact about Hitchin is they have fewer numbers there, requiring 2, 9 and 15 to be used multiple times. Blueharts use this fact to confuse the South man marking system and get into the game. The umpires eventually notice and a stoppage occurs, where tape is used to create previously unknown numbers such as 21 and 115. At this point, Blueharts overload the South D and a free player tucks away a scrappy goal from a couple yards out. Did it hit a foot in the build up? Yes…but the identity of the team who committed it cannot be confirmed: there was a reason why we played the away fixture in our sunburst-yellow away kit.

The umpires ask Blueharts to change their shirts. They have no spare kit. They are reluctant to play as skins for some reason. The ever-generous South eventually find a set of green bibs and Blueharts become Bibharts (credit to Bibharts 2s - or is it 12s or 21s?) This makes the aforementioned-renumbering a bit of a waste of time. Bibharts also seem to be a significantly better team. Maybe we should have put the bibs on? Bibharts pile on the pressure but Troll, Rosselli and Rosenzvaig generally leave little for Mann to do in goal.

The momentum swings back South’s way and they thump the ball into the backboard four times from efforts from Aston and Parsot. A shame that these were from well outside the twenty-three. Bibharts also get in on the act and score a spectacular deflection into their own net. Bibharts score a goal very similar to that which Blueharts scored earlier. At some point there may have been half time.

Rimmer and Williams drive South forward as they press for an equaliser. Kim holds the ball well up top. Harrison tries to make a friend by winning a short corner then doing lots of shouting. It doesn’t work. The kitchen sink and other large household items are thrown at the Bibharts goal, notably an effort by Lammng from a tight angle, while a Parsot short and a Chalk deflection are saved by the keeper. South tire but don’t worry, we have Spikey to bring on with his limitless running – except he has gone AWOL again: can someone please phone his mother?

Bibharts are content to pass the ball around the back and win shorts to see out the clock as South run out of energy and time. Troll deflects one of these off the line, which crosses the sideline at such pace and height many in the twenty-plus crowd mistake it for one of his trademark aerials (thank you all for coming to watch by the way, although it was not quite freezing.)

The Last 30 Seconds:

Against the run of play, ten times winner of the Tom Anns Player of the Decade Award, Chalk the 2nd, picks up the ball and drives into the D. He ends up in a heap by the keeper - p-flick! After an hour and a half presentation about how this could not have been a foul let alone a flick, complete with John Williams score and Michael Bay special effects, the umpires’ minds are not changed. Chalk goes and stands in the corner while he awaits for this opus to finish. It matters little: with a record of nil out of three from three different hapless volunteers this season, it is a well known fact that Men’s 1s players cannot score these…but Men’s 2s players can! It has to be good; the keeper goes the right way but the ball finds the top corner. Two-two: we got something from the game - not what the first thirty seconds seemed to promise but a point at least and no loss hanging over us until the league restarts in January. Do not eat too many mince pies everyone and see you next year.