The Commentary Box, Long Road Sixth Form College, Cambridge

“Good afternoon all, Aggers (JA) here from Hockey Match Special (HMS), pleased to welcome you all to Cambridge South vs Letchworth in what is set to be seventy minutes of gripping entertainment. Delighted to be joined by Blowers (HB) and HMS Statistician, Andrew Samson (AS) on this wet, cold and quite miserable day here in Cambridge.” JA

“Quite right, Aggers. Such a shame hockey can’t be rained off. But what a jolly old intriguing league this is. There really are no easy games. And on go the lights and out go the players. Oh my dear old thing, is that a stray pigeon on the astro turf?” HB

With a start, I woke from this bizarre dream and picked up my bedside copy of Mike Brearley’s most recent publication; On Form. On Friday evening, I finished Part I: In and Out of Form, including Chapter 1: Getting Out of Bed on the Wrong Side. I swiftly got out of bed on the right side and started to prepare for today’s big game. I set off for Long Road wondering whether I had in fact got out of bed on the wrong side.

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If Hockey Match Special did exist, I imagine their Pint-Sized recap of the match would sound something like this:

“Captain Rimmer shakes hands with the umpires, whilst Vice-Captain Chalk appears to stumble over his sporting cliché’s when addressing the team. Was that someone saying he has ****! on his chin?”

“And South take an early lead. Great injection, great drag, a goal for Pearson. All. Day. Long.”

“Oh! Look! I’ve just seen a crane at Long Road actually moving, doing some work. I’ve seen cranes all around this ground for years and they’ve always been still. That big white one there is moving. A moving crane, a yellow helicopter, what more has the day got to offer?”

“Equaliser really against the run of play there for Letchworth”

“Oh my goodness, Stu Rimmer with the deflection! Two-one. Andrew Samson, our resident statistician, tells me that after sixty-seven games and over four thousand minutes of game time, that’s a first club goal for captain Stu Rimmer!”

“The captain is on fire here, a goal at one end and that’s a drag flick deflected over the bar at the other. What a first half for the main man”.

“Equaliser really against the run of play there for Letchworth”

“Half time, all square, although South with the much better hockey”

“Oh no! Straight into Captain Rimmer’s foot from the second half push back and the Letchworth striker has run in and scored! Three-two Letchworth.”

As a South fan, it wouldn’t be worth listening to anymore of the HMS Pint-Sized recap. There would be something irrelevant said like the score line staying the same, some missed opportunities to level and winning or losing as a team. Maybe something about man-eating moths if we were lucky.

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Having read Part I: In and Out of Form the night before, it seemed apt that we had been so in form for the first half and so out of form the second. Perhaps next Friday night I will read Part II: In the Zone to ensure we brush away Bedford with relative ease. COYS.

Post report note: For anyone who isn’t a cricket lover, Mike Brearley is generally renowned as England’s finest cricket captain and is a psychoanalyst to boot. Test Match Special is a radio programme which broadcasts all England Test matches but rarely talks about cricket. It really is one of the great British institutions and recently celebrated its 60th anniversary. See the BBC for recent highlights.