A new season is upon us. However it is still the middle of August!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell is going on??????? Why are we playing hockey matches (two matches in one afternoon, I hasten to add) in the middle of August????

I’ve been dwelling on that rant and now I’ve got it off my chest I feel much better. In fact, it was actually a good idea and obviously a popular one as two other teams with multiple subs turned up to play (Witham and Sudbury). The only problem was for Tom Rosselli to be outside with such strong UV levels as can be expected this at time of year. It was cloudy and threatening rain but he still insisted on applying factor 125 sunscreen.

The new captain, Stu, stated we all needed to arrive for his first ever speech at 1245 hours in Changing Room 3. I arrived last (despite living the closest), just in time to listen to said speech. During most of it I had my back to everyone as I was making use of the urinal (clapping at the appropriate times during the speech was not possible due to what I was doing). The new debutants, comprising Joel, Tom Steed and Chris Matson, were all warmly welcomed before we made our way out for a warm up.

In the first of the two games we played Witham, who have just been promoted to Div 2S (our league). The first half ended 0-0. South had a few chances and were passing the ball around well. For the new season, instead of learning a new trick for the hockey pitch, I thought I’d learn a new word: ‘Relinquish’ - voluntarily cease to keep or claim; give up’. To the bewilderment of many I used this new word during the first half: “Joel, relinquish 53 and mark 67” (words/numbers to the effect of). It worked a treat! They will probably be printing #Relinquish on shirts by the end of the season!

After a decent team talk at half time led by Stu and the new vice-captain, Harry, we stepped it up in the second half and took advantage of the fact Witham were playing their second game that afternoon. The pressure eventually paid off with Mike passing the ball to the wizard that is Oli Lamming, who did his trademark back post tap in.

Graham also came very close a couple of times; his venting of his frustrations was too much for the umpire, who sent him off for a couple of minutes. Whacking the fence with a hockey stick is very naughty/aggressive indeed, Graham!

Witham tried to level the score through a series of short corners but couldn’t get the equaliser. They enjoyed making fun out of me shouting, ‘Ready’ by replying, ‘Yes’ every time I shouted during the shorts.

To run the clock down I adapted (fearing he had copywrited it) the ‘Doing the Sneady’ time-wasting tactic by launching an aerial out of the park. It saved at least three seconds.

The first game of two that afternoon ended 1-0 to the mighty South. Tom Steed was rightly awarded the man of the match title for his impressive debut performance.