The day started well. I woke up in my train pyjamas. I love my train pyjamas.

Then we travelled up to Spalding. I hate Spalding. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

We had numbers (compared to last week) including Jack and Marianio.

We planned to turn up early to watch the L1s who were on before us, but I was in Joe's car and we got lost. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

We finally arrived at Surfleet. The highlight of my day was the ice cream van. Apparently if you get an ice cream before the game you get Lemon votes even if you don't get lemon ice cream. Completely unfair.

The game started well. We conceded within three minutes. Maybe not that well. I thought the stiker played it off his back stick. I was very cross.

Then some other stuff happened.

Then the ball was played to my back post. I dived between the goal and the forward with the ball to stop the shot. I gave away a penalty flick. What a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

They scored the flick.

They also scored a short corner.

The first half ended.

The second half started.

Their right winger ran up the line and curved his run along the back line. He shot. I stepped over the ball. The umpire gave the goal. I was very cross. The other umpire said the ball was outside the D. I was a little less cross.

Spalding were a good team. They had great build up play and fab passing which wore us out on a hot, sunny Saturday. They did hit the ball into Neil's knee. I was very cross again.

Seb missed a BBQ. Oh, the humanity!

Mariano scored a goal.

We lost the first half three-nil but won the second half one-nil. That means we drew, right?

It was the last game of the season. Let’s take a moment to appreciate our captain, Matthew Kern. Top bloke.

Let's also run through the team:

• Ed - turned up for half a game, with one ankle. Left his stick behind at the end.

• Jonny - came chasing a double hat-trick to take Joe’s record. He failed.

• Adam - came to Spalding as an injured puppy.

• Scott - Adam 2.0.

• Jack - wished he was back in the 2s.

• Peter - turned up, ran around.

• Seb - could have been at a BBQ and regretted his choice.

• Pip - finally paid his season’s match fees.

• Matt - found the yellow shirts.

• Dan - chauffeured Jack to Spalding.

• Dylan - next season: to be or not to be.

• Josh - got taken out by George.

• Mariano - scored our goal.

• Neil - hit by the ball; ankle, hamstring and knee all questionable. Thinking of retirement and taking donations for zimmerframe.

• George - star jumps during the p-flick and got cross.

• Joe - 3s drug dealer [Ed: painkillers], tending to a poorly foot.

[Ed: this match report is available as a colourful, non-toxic, board book and in soft foam for bath-time fun!]