On Saturday morning I awoke thinking I was the Trent Alexander-Arnold of the 2s only to have it confirmed that I’m actually the Stephan Lichtsteiner. A brutal reality check.

The reverse fixture had left a bitter taste in the mouths of the 2s’ players; a five-nil romping in the isolated Fenland town. This time we had a point to prove: not only that the previous score was not representative of the display we had put in, but that the team has grown since then, only having lost one game (W7, D3). Plus this match fell on Walshy’s birthday and with the anniversary of his birth drilling home the fact that time was marching on, we needed to give him a morale boost.

We arrived to the pitch an hour or so before push back, giving us time to blow out the cobwebs and gain some more confidence on the ball. The thirty minutes of short corner practice must have worked given I’m pretty sure we scored four in the game. After an inspirational team talk that really demonstrated Menzies’ diverse vocabulary we were ready to hit the pitch.

The first half was a blur with many body tackles, quick breaks and short, sharp passes. According to Mariano’s breakdown of the scoreline in the chat, it was two-one at halftime. No idea who scored which goals so I’ll do a goals section a little lower down.

So two-one at half-time, all feeling fairly confident, the captain delegated the tactical advice to James Browne and we were ready for a hard second half. We now enter the five minutes of hockey I’d really rather forget, but here we go. South conceded a short corner. If, like me, you have the pectoral definition of a piece of plasterboard I’d strongly recommend not deflecting a shot into your chest, not only because it will result in a P-flick but it will also really hurt. George adopted a squatting/sitting down technique to keeping a P-flick; maybe it was his impression of Dudek in Istanbul. However, it didn’t work. Two-two. Within five minutes South conceded another short corner. This time it went to the left, George got a touch to it, the ball slowly trickled towards the goal line… This was my time to become king of the back four, a time to redeem myself. All I could think was, “Sit down Marchant, with your Hollywood passes that occasionally make it to one of our players, I’m going to be the new favourite defender, I’m going to be carried off the pitch like Rudy, I shall go down a club legend!” I’m not sure if it’s because I missed my dance class this week or the fact I was most likely nursing a fractured sternum and potentially punctured lung from the previous short corner but my timing was out and I stood on the ball. P-flick, three-two. #DroppedInTheMorning

Luckily, the South team rallied and showed depth of character, bringing the score to five-three. Not sure the order of the scorers, but we do know who scored. Ash A ended the game registering two goals. As it’s Ash scoring my money is on both goals being well executed drag flicks from short corners. George Anderson (Gando on his shirt - bold move but gotta respect the gumption) got one. My guess is that this was drilled into the top of the net from about three foot out because tap-ins don’t make the highlight reel. James Browne also got on the scoresheet twice. James is fairly new to the club and most won’t know him so I’ll give him a quick intro. Some time in 2018 Tom Blair joined the 2s. There was joy among the ranks as we expected Blair to bring a level of skill to the game along with the dry sense of humour and wit that the Irish are notorious for, but unfortunately he did not. Luckily this season James rocked up to the club, a man who can trot through the opposition’s midfield like a gazelle, a man who can pass like Tom Brady, a man who can shoot like a young Michael Jordan, a man who can tackle like a slightly shorter Van Dijk. Since his arrival pre-Christmas he’s been doing wonders to fix the reputational damage done during the Blair years.

My personal highlight of the match was when Tom Anns demonstrated his Lara Croft-esque swan dive. It truly was a thing of beauty: his form was perfect, shoulders back, chest out, back straight. After a flawless landing he turned to the judges in anticipation of seeing 10s across the board. Can’t wait to see him in Tokyo this summer on the top of the ten meter platform in his Speedos. At one point during the match, Connor, the umpire, was summoned to the sideline as one the oppositions mother’s needed to ask him a question. Not sure what was asked but I’m guessing she was hoping that he could find out where Cately got the spray-on umpiring trousering he was showcasing.

Final whistle went, thank God I was bailed out by the team, one hell of a performance. Onwards to the next game. What’s that I can hear…? Back to back promotions?