Goalkeeper - Chris Watson (Tim Krul)

Watson: The ultimate shot stopper. Give him seventy minutes of defensive short corners and not a goal will go in. With every save he makes his voice gets higher and higher. Near the end of the match only dogs could hear his screams of triumph after saving another shot at goal.

Did you know? Watson can do a sub-four minute double doggy in his keeper kit.

Defence - Dave Aston (Phil Neville), Stu Rimmer (David Luiz), Joel Harrison (Emre Can), Dean Birch (Aaron Wan Bissaka), Will Townley (Phillip Lahm)

Aston: Not as good as his brother but a solid performance from the man in defence. Looking like he was back in his heyday at Manchester United Academy, Aston managed to get the ball down the channels quickly all game and prove he can still play with kids half his age.

Did you know? Aston is still looking for the phone he lost on his only night out of last year; he’s hoping to find it when he’s out at the Annual Dinner next month.

Rimmer: Attack, attack, attack: this is the only thing this player can think about. Not only to try and score goals but also towards opposition players when they come anywhere near him. We can say he is calm and collective on the ball, a little too calm for my liking. Full commitment all game, will do anything to stop the opposition from scoring, and I mean anything. I think he’s been taking a page out of Chalk’s book on professional fouls.

Did you know? Rimmer is on the longest Lemon streak (three) of his career.

Harrison: The past-midfielder-now-present-centre-back, a constant fear of letting the ball through his legs makes this man impossible to do a through ball past. His mature manner on the pitch only gets overshadowed by his childish nature to always want to be the centre of attention from the umpires.

Did you know? Harrison is the 219th highest goal scorer in the club.

Birch: If crabs had evolved to walk forwards, this would be Dean. He’ll happily let any winger have five yards on him as he knows he’ll catch them with one hand on the ground at all times. With his golden locks waving through the air, this is a man to behold and praise. He also hit the post with the final play to win the game but we won’t talk about that.

Did you know? Birch is the first MDad to bring his non-hockey playing wife to Lola’s.

Townley: Just a wonderful player, likeable in every way.

Did you know? Townley has done the most (three) train beer journeys this season.

Midfield - Sam Highfield (N’golo Kante), Harry Chalk (Jordan Henderson), James Bailey (Charlie Adam), Scott Catley (Paul Pogba)

Highfield: Some say he’s the fastest in the club, some say he’s the best dressed in the club, the majority say he’s got the most improved personality. Tackle, defend, dribble, pass, what can’t this man do? Well, shoot. Quality performance from the man in the hole, provided an assist for debutant Browne that I can guarantee we won’t stop hearing about. I won’t repeat what James thought about the pass.

Did you know? Highfield is the fastest in the club.

Chalk: When I say ‘engine’ you say ‘room’. Engine what? The heart of the midfield, constantly stuck in second gear but happy to gallop around for an entire seventy minutes with ease. The season draught is still on the cards for the captain, and for an attacking midfielder that’s quite impressive.

Did you know? Mr Chalk invented the common phrase we all use today, ‘Loose as balls.’

Bailey: The ex-Midlands player had another strong performance in midfield. Distributing balls left, right and centre. If only he could keep the ball on the ground…

Did you know? The last time Bailey was seen out in Lola’s he got kicked out for falling down the stairs.

Catley: He did have more haircuts than goals for the team coming into the game but he’s managed to double his tally with a composed P-flick in front of goal. Just like Pogba, Catley has burst onto the scene at South and this weekend proved no different. Some trademark diagonal balls and a stride three times longer than the average human being, Scott was able to make some charging runs in the second half that proved crucial in collecting the point for South.

Did you know? He’s an avid campaigner of supporting the homeless and has been seen sleeping underneath bins on the weekend.

Forwards - Chris Pearson (Vinnie Jones), Harry Lewis (Harry Kane), Jim Hockley (Xavi Alonso), James Browne (Emile Heskey)

Pearson: ‘Are you going to sort this out or do I have to do it myself?’ Pearson shouting to the umpires while a brawl takes place on the pitch.

Did you know? Pearon’s favourite song is ‘Macarena’ by Los Del Rio.

Lewis: Direct attacking play, just like Kane himself. Similar as well in the fact that he can’t score in certain months. Drove at the defence with ‘pace’ all game; some say he’s still recovering from his hamstring injury back in 2017, just like Kane himself.

Did you know? Lewis single handedly defeated Nomads. Just like Sam being the fastest in the club… We can all make claims.

Hockley: Babyface Hockley is back. Now adopting the swimmers tactic of smooth skin, he has managed to gain +10 speed. Dr Pain adapted quickly to the game and created some key link up play for the second goal. He realised early on that without his beard, people start to focus more on your hockey skills than your mesmerising facial hair. Good thing his hockey ability is mesmerising as well.

Did you know? Jim loves hockey so much that it’s 80% of his name.

Browne: Just your average performance from James, nothing special. Hat-trick avoidance as he had plenty of chances to buy a jug for the boys. Had a shot saved off the line that he should have buried and didn’t want to take the P-flick. Considering these are the only things you could actually try and criticise about his game, just shows I’m grasping at straws in what was a quality performance. I can see this man becoming a bit of a cult hero in weeks to come.

Did you know? James has a perfect goal to game ratio of 1:1. No wonder he avoided the hat-trick.