Goalkeeper – Mike Gillingham (Gianluigi Buffon, like late 1990’s in Parma)

Gillingham: Becoming somewhat of a cult hero in goal, the main man has stepped up well into the team. Key saves throughout the game and becoming ever more vocal on the pitch. Mike has stamped his authority in goal with a performance to match.

Did you know? Mike always keeps a card reader in his back pocket, just in case you want to make a spontaneous purchase of a club mug or tie.

Defence – Tom Rosselli (Branislav Ivanovic, in his hay day at Chelsea), Stu Rimmer (David Luiz), Joel Harrison (Emre Can), Scott Catley (Paul Pogba back when he was playing for Juventus), Sam Highfield (Jack Wilshere, because he’s injured)

Rosselli: The choo choo train has arrived. With calves like Chris Hoy and the tackling ability of a young Paresh Parsot. Tom did not let anything past him all game. Even though he was late because he was watching his favourite plane at the Duxford air show, Tom put on a solid performance at the back.

Did you know? Tom’s favourite plane is the Percival Jet Provost T3

Rimmer: The Mr reliable turned loose cannon at the back. The man plays for the crowd and makes the sub bench hold their breath in what he produces. Cementing his presence on the pitch yet again with a cheeky green card to show those uni kids who’s boss. Well done Stu.

Did you know? Stu believes he’s the most capped player in the 1s… well you’ve got at least 80 more to go before you pass Graveling so we can have another talk about it then

Harrison: Centre back now coming back into midfield? After the call of “go wherever you like on the pitch” Joel has been free flowing throughout the game running all over the pitch into every position possible. It’s only a matter of time until we see Goal Harrison back on the score sheet.

Did you know? He’s expecting his first child to be born this week, congrats! He’s also expecting to play next weekend… good luck with that!

Catley: The heat didn’t bother him anyway. Fantastic performance from Scott at the back. lovely strides through the middle tearing up the oppositions press. Next time bring your sun cream, you were looking a bit red later on in the day.

Did you know? Scott has to pass to Ed at least 20 times a game otherwise their friendship is over.

Highfield: What a performance on his 50th cap for the team, 100% pass completion, not a single goal conceded when on the pitch and a solid 6 minutes from the captain. Great stuff mate.

Did you know? Sam has an allotment; he doesn’t talk about it much.

Midfield - Harry Chalk (Thomas Muller), Ed Doust (Kaka, but when he played for Orlando City and was clearly too good for the league), Mark Inman (Danny Drinkwater but when in his prime at Leicester), Will Townley (N’golo Kante)

Chalk: Solid performance all round from the ex-captain, even managed to score a tap in for his first goal ever in the league. Good egg.

Did you know? Chalky has 2 glasses of wine and a G&T on the Friday night! Terrible behaviour

Doust: Another goal from a short corner, I think we might have got this short corner nonsense finally sorted out. lovely play in the middle of the park, always great to see him humiliate players left right and centre on a weekly basis.

Did you know? Ed doesn’t own a pair of trousers; he never gets cold so only wears shorts.

Inman: a strong league debut for Mark in the midfield, kept composed and controlled throughout especially when the team was under pressure. A wise man to have in the middle with the loose headed hooligans around him on our team.

Did you know? Mark didn’t say hi to me on the train, I waved to him and he just ignored me. Don’t worry Mark, I won’t hold it against you.

Townley: There’s not much to say about Will’s performance, apart from the constant excellence he brings to the pitch. Mr Nice Guy continues his brilliant performance, the leg work in the midfield

Did you know? Will has never got LOM, this will soon change once Sam’s smear campaign begins… or not.

Forwards – Tim Winter (Any forward when they die their hair blonde), Harry Lewis (Harry Kane but with less goals to his name), James Bailey (Craig bellamy, when he was at Cardiff City in 2010), James Browne (Ronaldo, but the Brazilian one from when he played a charity match in 2017 for Real Madrid against Roma), Jack Humby (Dimitar Berbatov at his peak)

Winter: This man constantly oozes coolness. After coming back from a boozy week in Barcelona, Tim was surprising fresh for the game. Great runs and link up play kept the opposition defence dazzled all game and that’s on top of Tim just looking naturally suave.

Did you know? Tim spoke to everyone at the social on Saturday, the man is loved by all.

Lewis: Similar to Kane, Harry isn’t scoring at the moment, this will change soon… I promise

Did you know? Harry owns 9 pairs of flip-flops

Bailey: “I can’t catch my breath; I can’t catch my breath”. Then stop running around Bailey!

Did you know? James was so exhausted he sat down in the middle of the pitch and began to roll all the way off the side line. Too hot to walk apparently.

Browne: Papa Brown just can’t stop scoring, a lovely record of a goal a game keeps him chugging along. One day he will score a simple goal, but we do love playing for the fans.

Did you know? Papa Brown makes his own chilli vodka

Humby: Hungry Humby Hippo sadly couldn’t get a goal today but still put it a strong performance up top in difficult conditions. Great runs, leads and passes led to some great passages of play.

Did you know? After the game Jack saved someone’s life. No seriously he did, ask him about it, he was a true hero.