You wake up. It’s match day. Today, you are actually going to be able to make teas after the game and have a shower rather than having to shoot straight off. Yes, please.

Now, some of these guys haven’t seen you in non-sports wear yet. How can a good impression be made? How can you get this group of lads to really buy into you as a socialite, a man about town, a groovy guy? You don’t want to go too smart- that might look too try hard and there will be some some real fashionistas in that changing room/rugby clubhouse with you: Tom Blair- a man dripping in Vogue, coated in the kind of look that others only **** to. 

**** (literally, select any 4 letter word you like there- they all work but just have a slightly different edge to them)

You look through the wardrobe. The classic black or white T? No, too mundane. A flowered, more fruity number? Have a word with yourself- this is serious stuff! These guys want to see a bit of funk, a bit of pizazz, yet nothing too garish, something that errs on the casual side of smart casual yet exudes an element of effortless class. 

Oh hello.

Is that a Native Youth slim fit t-shirt in pink usually retailing at £25 that you snapped up for £7.25?

Hold on- does it tick the boxes?

Crew neck- check

Short sleeves- check

Chest pocket- and some! This top, in fact, included 2 chest pockets- with one, smaller, pocket residing just on the overlap of the bottom right of the more standard pocket)

Slim fit- check

Close-fitting cut- check

The boys are going to love this. 

Let’s just look a bit deeper into this while we are here.

BRAND

Native Youth creates a heritage inspired line drawing upon no-nonsense British fashion coupled with Japanese workwear styling. Fusing staple shirting, premium jersey and outerwear with raw selvedge denim and yarn dyed shirts, Native Youth focus on modern menswear with a no-nonsense British approach and signature details creating a strong, recognisable look.

ABOUT THE PRODUCT

Breathable, stretchy jersey

T-shirt fabric

Body: 96% Cotton, 4% Elastane.

Twin that with some jeans: delicious. 

Post-match attire nailed- let’s go and play some hockey.

In all honesty, I can’t remember the goals and key moments, never mind the order but we can give it a go.

We spoke before the match about keeping our heads in the game, focusing on simple hockey and getting the basics right. Not long into the match, we were 1-0 up- potentially Jonny Camp’s goal? 

Talking of Jonny, he took the ‘keep your head in the game’ chat a bit too seriously and headbutted the ball. Was this because he fancied a sit down? Had he scored his goal and was done? Did he craftily know that the headband look would be a dynamite wardrobe choice? Who really knows… Whichever way, that was his game done (we can thankfully say that he is fine after having his head glued by Addenbrookes’ finest and we all wish him well on his skiing holiday next week). 

Anyway, more goals were scored in the half- 2 more to be exact . No one really knows from the goalscorers who scored which (maybe Chris Walsh and Tom Blair?). But they did happen. [Ed - the view from the sideline is one of these, the third, was Jack's goal. That was the one where the Kettering defence very kindly passed him the ball when he was in 20 yards of glorious isolation at the top of their 'D'. And we all thought Christmas was a month ago...] We took control of game nicely, with the midfield moving the ball around nicely. I took it in turns with Jimbo to do the Gandalf ‘you shall not pass’ thing with the oppositions shots on the line. 

Half time happened.

The second half included some grumpiness- most of it happened the other side of the pitch so it would be hard to give too much accurate detail to it although cards were shown. Walshy did a bit of caber tossing with his stick which earnt him a rest and the aforementioned ‘Lynx effect’ man himself, Tom Blair also had a short breather for popping himself onto the pitch right next to their D to join an attack- a play that I think we all know he’s used in non-sporting scenarios too, to great success. But less of that.

Actually, before less of that. A bit more. It should be mentioned that Nik Patel was watching from the sideline in a tight fitted jacket- no man or woman alive couldn’t enjoy that sculpture. Now, there is a man that would dominate a Native Youth slim fit t-shirt in pink usually retailing at £25 that you could snap up for £7.25.

Finally moving forwards from this, we scored 3 more goals- again. I am pretty sure that one was Jack Chalk (not from a wristy reverse stick thing- they didn’t work oddly- but from a full blooded thwack from the side of the D); one was probably Tom Blair (Ali isn’t on the scoresheet at the top of the page, but I don’t want to rule out that one of them was scored by him). Either way, all the goals were pretty good- we did play some succulent hockey at times- great passing. The other goal was scored off a well worked short corner and conjured up visions of déjà vu*.

*If this were written with any real attempt at chronology, it should have been mentioned earlier that on the way to the game the team picked up a rogue vagrant from the side of the road who had agreed to play in exchange for some warm broth and some grooming tips from coach for the day, Seb Dias. It was only after a hose down and a beautifully deflected goal that it was realised that this vagabond was actually, ex-M2s skipper and opulency enthusiast, James Menzies. What are the odds?! Always a pleasure to see that man control a dimpled ball. 

Jimbo and I carried on with the Gandalf impressions on short corners and were also joined by George Toynton (who did also assault a child although, for legal reasons, there can be no more said about that at this time). There was still time in the last couple of minutes for me to test out my vocal cords a bit with one of the men in yellow after ‘an incident’ but the world has continued to spin since then so it seems as though no lasting harm has been done to either party. 

The match ended with a well-deserved 6-0 win. There was some really great team hockey played and a sumptuous 3 points added to the swag bag. Yes- we do need to be a little bit less bizarre in the last 10 minutes of matches but then we also need to think more carefully about our fashion choices so…

Back to the main event, teas and the great unveiling. It’s probably best to pop into the present tense for this. A plethora of single or nil pocketed t-shirts surround me: peasantry. I walk in, unable to hide the rakish sneer off my face. They look (they should marvel). Silence. Then whispers. Do they not understand? This is not simply a t-shirt- this is a dual pocketed Native Youth slim fit t-shirt in pink usually retailing at £25 that I snapped up for £7.25. And yet they don’t applaud. Instead, they tease and taunt. Heathens. God only knows where they store pens and loose change.