Jim, obviously boldened by alcohol as he admitted on the match day by saying “I’m as hungover as a pig”, decided to raise the stakes this week in the M4s whatsapp group with a wager. The rules were simple, he would buy at the next M4s social:

• 1 pint for any goal scorer, 2 pints if it’s ‘amazing’ and;
• 1 pint for every defender if we have a clean sheet by the end of the match.

Given our poor performance last week, beating City only 3-2 despite them giving up, Jim thought it was a great bet – if we can only score 3 versus city, we can’t score more versus Peterborough right?? Little did he know, as he was getting more and more drunk in his local the White Swan (£3.50 a pint), that the next M4s social is this weekend at the Cambridge Blue (£8 a pint of the fancy stuff that John G likes). As Jim will find out later, Jim is now unhappy, broke, and still has a hangover. Finally added to the rules was 1 pint for an assist and 2 pints for an ‘easy tap in’ by Joe, feeling that midfielders should get some love too.

With the rules of the game finalised, I began to view the match and take notes to keep Jim honest via facetime (as people probably know I previously broke my hand by smashing the floor in Spalding so could not join in-person unfortunately). Honestly, would not recommend smashing the floor - everyday in the gym is ‘leg day’ now and I’m fearing my legs are getting bigger than my guns.

Overall notes:

Compared to the rather easy game last week versus Cambridge City, the scoreline was flattering to South as Peterborough put up a strong start and did not give up whatsoever after the 5 minutes when the first goal came in for South (unlike Cambridge City). Probably why Peterborough are 3rd in the league and also pushing for promotion, unlike Cambridge City who are now struggling versus teams at the bottom of the table and out of the race. The difference? Clinical finishing separated the scoreline of last week’s 3-2 to 6-1 this week, plus John G’s bacon sandwiches….ohhh yummy, 4 rashers! I’ve got to smash those again to get those gains. No veg for me.

1-0: Matt N - Wonder goal! An aerial from Joe W who was just within Peterbough’s half to Matt N who seems to have promoted himself to an attacker (and benching Goal King Owen in the process haha!). Matt coolly strikes it after 1 bounce in the D, shouting to Mr Anonymous to get out of his way, and pings it off the side post into the net. Perhaps even better than Tom’s goal last week and clear ‘goal of the season’?! Certainly deliberate, and against a better opposition too, so gets 2 pints.

Pint tally:

• Matt N – 2
• Joe – 2

2-0: Goal line scramble resulting in a tap-in for Joe. Unclear who assisted, maybe the unfortunate Peterborough keeper who generally had a good game aside from this.

Pint tally:

• Matt N – 2
• Joe – 3

3-0: Goal line scramble resulting in a tap-in for Joe. Assist from Matt N I believe.

Pint tally:

• Matt N – 3
• Joe – 4

4-0: Owen passes, and Mr Anonymous takes it around 2 or 3 players with some skills, after some gasps from the crowd (will he stack it? No he doesn’t!) and slots it into the net. Fortunately Mr Anonymous’ girlfriend has a game of hockey elsewhere herself so he manages to score this week on the hockey pitch. 2 pinter for sure!

Pint tally:

• Matt N – 3
• Joe – 4
• Andy W – 2
• Owen – 1

5-0: Goal line scramble resulting in a wonderous reverse tap-in for Joe (Jim to doublecheck whether it’s 1 or 2 pinter depending on cost of said pint). Mr Anonymous with the assist. It would have been a ‘2 pint’ assist, but Mr Anonymous afterwards confirmed he was trying to score and just missed the target, and therefore will be judged as a 1 pinter assist.

Pint tally:

• Matt N – 3
• Joe – 6
• Andy W – 3
• Owen – 1

6-0: Owen ‘loves a green card’ Russell finally gets onto the scoreboard as he’s able to come on the pitch and it isn’t ruled out as: stick tackle, pushing the defender over, backstick etc etc.…Naughty, not the type of green card you need to acquire for life in Sweden (best of luck!) Anyway, Joe passes to Owen on the back post, who’s shot gets stuck beneath the keeper which Owen then finally opts for a ‘snooker cue’ poke over the line to score.

Pint tally:

• Matt N – 3
• Joe – 7
• Andy W – 3
• Owen – 2

6-1: Jim has a word with Ben and, fearing for his bank balance of all those tasty £8 pints he will have to buy the defensive line, convinces him to let in a goal. Ben’s pint tally skyrockets…John ‘hatrick’ G also ventures up front to try and solidify his nickname he told his wife and kids once and now needs the goods to back it up.

Pint tally:

• Matt N – 3
• Joe – 7
• Andy W – 3
• Owen – 2
• Ben (GK) – 5 (being checked for bribery)

End

Peterborough were very friendly at teas and, unperturbed that I got LOM as a way for my team to antagonise me into a frenzied hulk for the game next weekend, I opted to smash a pizza instead of the floor and go back to leg day. FML.