We didn’t want to win anyway.
We didn’t want to win anyway.
We didn’t want to win anyway.
We didn’t want to win anyway.
We didn’t want to win anyway.
We didn’t want to win anyway.
If I keep saying it, I’ll start to believe it.
They scored. We didn’t. It was my fault. Sorry. Game over.
To cheer myself up, I’m reminiscing about my hometown. Which is erm, Saffron Walden. Oh, that’s awkward. I’ll be taking us around some local businesses and the members of our playing squad. All of whom played very well, and would have drawn, if it weren’t for… me.

Stan Hanson
Walden is now packed with coffee shops and cafés, all with rather cutesy names. Previously the Curious Goat, they renamed themselves to the Goat and Grass. Either way, Stan is THE GOAT and there’s no better named place for him to nestle in for a pre-match banana and a listen to The Ecstasy of Gold.

Rhian O’Connor
Those of us who don’t get to play with Rhian every week are unfamiliar with her linguistic skills. She showed them off with her impressive poetry during POM and LOM voting. It was almost POM worthy. Whilst Saffron Walden does have a WH Smith, we like to keep things local. So, we turn to Hart’s Books, previously a staple in the town until its disappearance in 2008. Now re-opened, I can only guess it’s readying itself for Rhian’s first publication.

Joe Whittaker
I used to deliver newspapers to Joe’s house, well before he lived there. Joe is really trying to embed himself in the life of a true Waldener, he’s sampled all the coffee shops and all the puppy classes around. The final step for Joe would be to go the full mile and do the dirty. The final step for Joe would be to join Saffron Walden Hockey Club. It makes me sick thinking about it. Partly because it’s not a shop, but it does have a bar, and to be fair has some good semi-local beer.

Rhi Davies
Rhi’s die-hard, all or nothing, gritty play, can either lead to glory, or as we were closer to today, the hospital. Or in this instance, Saffron Walden Community Hospital. Though there is no A&E, I can only hope they have enough ice packs. Today Rhi took a stick to the head, thankfully no visit was required. And escaped LOM, much to my disappointment.

Alec Alston
Loves a pizza, does Alec. So much so, he phoned his dad for a lift to take all the leftover pizza back home. Whilst Walden has a Domino’s, that’s not very local. Along the same street is Calzone, a favoured spot for Friday nights in the summer spent on the Common. Living the real schoolboy life. Personally recommend the Cheesy Garlic Bread. They did not hold back on the cheese or the garlic. Or at least they didn’t over a decade ago when I last went.

Rebecca Frith
Oh (co-)captain my (co-)captain. Rebecca was a lot more useful than I was today. Organised. Calm. Collected. She ran the team. Didn’t lose the toss – she left that to me. Even brought us a wag to sort menial tasks like GMS and the Veo. Ever reliable, we could never go wrong with Rebecca, just as one can never go wrong with The Temeraire. So long as one is between the ages of 18-21, enjoys terrible pints and likes microwave food. Oh, The Tem, how I do not miss nights in The Tem. Where the staff would all recognise you from school, but ID you just to get their own back for the one time you wouldn’t lend them a pen in year 8. Rebecca may or may not be as bitter, guess I’ll find out if I’m picked for the next game.

Andrew Waddell Waddell
After finally destroying his trusty Adidas Divox, Andy bought new shoes this week. Putting his faith in a lovely pair of Osaka Kai Mk1, he’s already been complaining about slipping. It didn’t stop him today, putting in arguably his best South performance, for 10 minutes. If Andy’s shoes are still a problem, he’ll need to head to Saffron Sports. Or as I’m sure he’d rather it be known: Saffron Sports Sports. Anyway, top work. Eric take note, I have the answer to your defender dilemmas.

Anna Latham
A keen runner and cyclist, Anna would find her home-from-home at Newdales. Many shops have been and gone around town, but Newdales isn’t going anywhere – I hope. It has everything a cycling enthusiast would need, from expensive bikes to expensive bike locks, expensive lights, expensive jackets, expensive helmets and expensive tools. Anna has everything you could need in a defender: tackles, goal line saves and runs up the line.

Charlie Curedale-Rayner
How can I be as mean as possible to Charlie? Support4Sight do fantastic work in the community to support the visually impaired. Unfortunately, the shop closed and was replaced with… Saffron Blinds. No, that’s not a new charity, but was in fact a shop selling blinds and curtains. Curious. This has now been replaced by a butcher. Sometimes I wonder if a joint of beef would score more goals than Charlie.

Katy Borgeson
A fellow Saffron Waldenee. Someone else who could give you a tour of the town, and would do a better job of writing this report. The Tourist Information Centre is where we’ll find Katy recommending all of the real hotspots of the town and not any of the nonsense in here; hopefully lauding over the two sister’s who were playing for the inferior club today. Winning isn’t everything. Evie is a traitor. Our purple is nicer.

Clément Robert
Saffron Walden does now have a waffle café. Although I think Anna would be upset to find this replaced a bicycle themed one. And there shall be no in-fighting in this team. Instead, we go to Jolie Patisserie. Yes, Belgium, pastries, lazy, I know. But it turns out this place also does cocktails, cheese boards, charcuterie boards and wine. I may have to pay them a visit. But Clément is too young, so he’s not invited.

Liv Greenaway
 New to the club, I think, Rebecca tried not to pick Liv due to an admin and communication error – I’m sure we can just put this down as my fault too. That would have been a terrible mistake. A great performance as an inner, up and down the channels and threatening Walden every time. There are many threats to Saffron Walden, but let’s not get political. So, I’m going boring. In my search for a suitable place, I did forget I live on the old site of a pub named The Green Dragon, but that no longer exists. Then I found Verde Tiles. Yeah, green in Portuguese/Spanish/Italian, this is the level. Twenty-two 5 Star reviews on Google by the way. Just as we weren’t aware of Liv before, we certainly are now, and I’m certainly aware of Verde for all my tiling needs.

Eric Wong
There were two 2s captains in the squad. Rhi put in a fine performance. Eric was there. Eric moved with the sluggish pace of someone waiting for a prescription at Boots on a busy Saturday morning. Certain members of the club would like to remind Eric that he is in fact not Scott, and he is also not in fact Ed. I for one, am one of them. Eric did sometimes make chances, in the same way that Boots sometimes get your prescription on time. A shock, but a welcome one at that.

Me, Oscar/Ozzie Wilson-Toy
Here we are. The godforsaken end. If you read all this: why? But I’ve been keeping a secret. I’ve been lying. I’m not from Saffron Walden (sort of). I’m not a Waldenite - I don’t even know the correct demonym. So where do I take us to? The Sewards End Village Hall – also not a shop. Oh yes, up the hill past “Big Tesco” (size is relative) and you’ll find yourself in Sewards End. There are no shops here, not even a pub. But once a month the village hall opens and serves drinks, and maybe some food. The aging demographic of Sewards End rather enjoy the excuse to day drink, and the bar only takes cash so there are none of those teenagers glued to their phones all day. Grumpy bunch. Suits me perfectly.

BONUS – Scott Catley
Bondara. Look it up in your own time.