Saturday 11th of October, 10:30 am. A light breeze settled over the hallowed grounds of Wilberforce Road. A band of crippled men in purple, here on referred to as “the geriatrics”, attempted to put a group of young whipper snappers, here on referred to as “the young guns”, in their place. A tall task by any means however the geriatrics where up for the task. Their squad was in full force, particularly with the exciting season debut of defensive savant Douglas G.

The umpire’s whistle pierced the peaceful atmosphere and thus the game began. As expected, the young guns came out firing with their crisp passing and youthful spirit. An early mistake from the geriatrics led to a short corner being given away. All breathes were held as the shot trickled wide of the post. 1 life down, 8 more to go. 

10 or so minutes into the game and the geriatrics began to settle into some rhythm. One could summarise the dynamic of the game rather like an episode of “Tom and Jerry”. The young guns passed the ball effortlessly across the pitch whilst the geriatrics chased their tails like a band of headless chickens. However, this hard-working style of hockey came with one huge advantage. The young guns were not floorless and as soon as there was a hint of a mistake from their side, a fearsome band of geriatrics ambled their way down the pitch ready to counterattack. 

Late in the first half, a fast paced (realistically below average speed) counter led to menacing striker Joe W winning a short corner. Fresh from a week of unauthorised absence (investigations to follow) Chris C assisted the goal with a beautiful shot towards the back post which was effortlessly tucked away by the incomparable James M for the first goal of the game.

Half time beckoned and the geriatrics were in good spirit. Some of them hadn’t felt this alive in over 50 years. The team talk was short and sweet and can be summarised as: “let’s show these young guns we’ve still got it”.

The second half began with the geriatrics keeping their foot on the gas with their defensive pressure and counterattacking hockey. The young guns were beginning to panic, and mistakes came at a higher frequency. Unfortunately for the geriatrics, there was some confusion as to the length of the match. They believed the game had ended 10 minutes earlier than it did and therefore relaxed prematurely. In the midst of this confusion, the young guns pounced and snuck two goals past the geriatrics. The game ended with a cruel 2-1 loss for the men in purple.

An overall strong effort from this collection of care home rejects. They gave it what they had but it was not to be this time. Special honours go to Mr Gabe W who truly came into his own when measured up against a group on young guns significantly closer to his age than the usual band of hospice residents the geriatrics are used to playing. An outstanding performance in which he glided through the midfield cutting through the young guns defence like a knife in Swiss cheese. Rumours circle that this young superstar will be receiving a call up any day now to lend his talents to the recently injury riddled 2nd team squad. In the meantime, the geriatrics continue to beg and grovel in the hope of maintain his services for as long as possible, not least to bring down the average age of the team to 45.

Other special mentions go to Josh R, David S, Joe W and Jamie C for their relentless effort in the forward line in what must’ve felt like running a marathon in the space of 1 hour. Gabe W, James M, Chris C (clearly shouldn’t have been in the 5s) and Seb D (2025-2026 South captain of the year) held down the midfield with true professionalism, making life that little bit more frustrating for the young guns. As for the defence, they were asked to step up and they answered the call with majestic performances from all of Danny M, Tom A, Douglas G, Alex P, Jack C and Ben L. 

As for lemon, a certain fast paced but skill less individual was asked to add some running to the forward line. Unfortunately, the naive fool decided to tie his shoelaces together, thus tripping himself up all game long. Couple that with a phantom shot that may still be rising and this award was well earned. The name of player will remain anonymous for his own safety. If his identity was to be revealed, he’d likely be soon receiving a call from the men 6s, not least to receive lessons from the juniors on how to tie his shoes.

It has been a while since my last news report. Some false accusations of misinformation and fake news plagued this author for the last few months. The review found no evidence to support these claims and thus my suspension has finally been lifted. I’d like to remind all readers that this news agency is the only reputable news outlet in the long road vicinity and rumours of anything other than what has been printed here are nothing but the fakest of fake news designed to ruin the reputation of this highly decorated author.

This has been Riccardo N reporting for CSHC news.